I sighed. Nicola showed Ash’s work all over the world, but he rarely appeared at the exhibitions unless Danni bullied him into it, and there was no way that would happen this time with her too pregnant to travel. “Don’t miss out because of everything that’s goingonhere.”
“That’s sweet but hardly practical. Who’s gonna look after Liam when you’reworking?”
I shrugged. “I’ll figure something out. Besides, it won’t matter if he goes to Seattle. He’d be leaving this weekend,right?”
Ash bit his lip. I assumed he was considering it, and my heart flared. Being without him for a few days would be as horrific as it always was when he went away, but I’d deal. Of course, I would. I’d bite down on a fucking gun for him, even though he never asked me foranything.
Speaking of biting… I leaned forward and kissed Ash, prying his lip from his teeth, and hooked my thumbs into the waistband of his sweats. I slid them down his hips and pulled back, as awed by him as ever. Just the sight of him naked made me hard, but I didn’t jump on him. He was still half asleep, which had proved a trigger point for flashbacks in the past, especially in the dark. I flicked the lamp on and let him cometome.
I wasn’t expecting the sharp shove to my chest. Ash was a gentle lover when I didn’t goad him to be otherwise, but there was a fierceness in his gaze now that made me look twice. Made me gasp as he lithely straddled my legs, and arch from the bed as he closed rough fingers aroundmycock.
“Is this what you want?” He leaned down and licked me, knowing it drove me damn crazy. “You wanna fool around? Or you want me to rail you until we’re both too fucked up to worry aboutanythingelse?”
“Huh?”
Ash was off the bed before I could take a breath. “I’m not doing this with you, not tonight. I’m tired, Pete, and your apathy is fuckingkillingme.”
He turned away, swiping his sweatpants from the bed, and left the room—leftme—and even as my heart broke, I couldn’t make myself goafterhim.
ChapterFour
Ash
I’d gotten over my naked tantrum by the early hours of the morning, but by the time I returned to bed—rage-red paint smeared over and up my arms—Pete was fast asleep exactly where I’dlefthim.
I covered him with a blanket and lay down beside him. Anger wasn’t an emotion I ran into much, but sometimes when Pete turned his blank gaze on me, it was all I had. And I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how he’d never shaken the shit out of me when my own black cloud had left me prettymuchmute.
Perhaps the fact that I couldn’t remember much of that dark time had something to do with it. I dodged the monsters in my brain and tried to recall how Pete had comforted me when I’d been so screwed up that I couldn’t tell night from day. But I couldn’tremember, damn it. I’d just known he wasthere.
And he’d stayedthere.
Guilt burned a path through my veins. Pete had never walked away from me, even when I’d turned my back on him over and over again. Pushed him away without ever laying a hand on him. What the fuck was wrongwithme?
I rolled as close to him as I could get and pressed my face against his ribs, kissing the tattooed scar over his liver. I’d nearly lost him before, but this was worse than that. The accident had been tangible—so real and raw I saw it in my dreams, even though I’d never seen the news footage of the train crash. This was something else. The gaping wound Maggie’s death had left in Pete’s soul was invisible, but it hurt just as much. It hurtmore, and for reasons I didn’t want to contemplate, he wouldn’t tell me why. I kissed his warm skin and closed my eyes. “I’msorry.”
But Pete didn’t hear me. And that probably wouldn’tchange.
* * *
The next morningI sensed Pete behind me before I heard him come into the kitchen. His footsteps were cautious, giving me time to spin around if I didn’t want him to touch me like that, but I didn’t move. I’d learned to enjoy the way Pete slid his arms around my waist and pressed his face against my back, even if my guilt-laced frustration with him still fizzed in mybelly.
Pete brushed a rough kiss behind my ear and let me go. I heard him take the laptop from the kitchen counter and set it on the battered table we’d had as long as we’d lived in this apartment. The silence between us wasn’t particularly loaded, but it hung over me all the same. I poured coffee and took it to the table. Over his shoulder, I saw the email he was tapping out to Bill and Esme Gellar, giving them his blessing to take Liam away for Christmas, and my heart sank. Pete’s job was intense, but his boss liked him a lot. It didn’t have to bethisway.
I retreated back to the refrigerator, where I was attempting to figure out what groceries I needed to buy to keep us all fed for the week. Having kids around meant our favored diet of pasta and take-out pizza had been replaced with organic vegetables and whole-wheat bread, which, in turn, meant trips to the store had become a much bigger pain intheass.
“Just get them delivered.” Pete appeared at my shoulder. “Fuck schlepping all that home. Damn bag broke on melasttime.”
They were the first words he’d spoken since he’d gotten up, but then I hadn’t said anything either, right? “I can’t get them delivered. I don’t know when I’ll be home, and you’re always late onFridays.”
“I thought you were offtoday?”
“I might go to the VAwithJed.”
Pete nodded. “He’s leaving right after.Headinghome.”
“How do youknowthat?”
“He was at the hospitalyesterday.”
