“‘Doesn’t mean anything’?” Brix got up and went to the window, turning his back on Calum. “Everything means something if it hurts, Cal. It has to, or we ain’t fucking human.”
“I didn’t feel too human when you found me on that bench. I was in bits. Rob had me tied in knots. I couldn’t sleep, or eat, or even think straight when he was messing me around. I’m starting to see how unhealthy it was, what a bloody sociopath he was, but back then I figured I loved him.”
“What about now? Do you still love him?”
“No, and I don’t think I ever really did. Being with you again has shown me that.”
“Being with you again has shown me that.” Brix stared at Calum, his heart thudding. Relief surged through him that Calum no longer loved a man who’d treated him so badly, but how had Brix shown him that? How had he shown him anything when all he’d done since Calum had come to Porthkennack was get drunk and jam his foot in his mouth?
Which wasn’t that different to how they’d spent their time in Camden all those years ago, though Brix had been less inclined to the long, wordless stares back then. “You really don’t love him anymore?”
“How could I?” Calum bit his lip, his gaze so sad Brix felt like shaking him, or kissing him, or both. “It was never real, was it?”
Brix drifted back to the couch and sat down. “It was something . . . It meant something, Cal, even if it was no more than a fucking hard lesson.”
“Is that how you feel about Jordan?”
“I don’t feel jack about Jordan.” The harshness in Brix’s tone surprised him. He snatched a sharp breath and tried again. “I try not to feel anything for him because he hurt me so much, but a part of me will always love him, because the damage he did to me made me who I am.”
“You’re a bigger man than me.”
“Not likely, I’ve just been around enough hate and anger to know it doesn’t heal us.”
“Your family?”
Brix shrugged. “We’re an angry bunch.”
“You’re not.” Calum shifted on the couch. His leg brushed Brix’s knee and sent shockwaves through Brix’s already tingling nerves. “You were always the one who could make me smile. I missed that when you left.”
“What about now? Do I still make you smile?” Brix pulled a face to show Calum he wasn’t fishing.
Calum’s answering grin was dazzling. “I reckon so. Rob’s mates used to say I had a face like a constipated undertaker. See what happens when you’re not around?”
The anger Calum claimed he couldn’t see seared a hole in Brix’s heart. What he wouldn’t give to load the van with Abel and Kim and burn rubber to the big smoke, but even if Abel had been around, if Rob was the kind of dude Brix thought he was, a damn good kicking would do nothing but hand him a victim card.
“What are you thinking?”
“Hmm?” Brix returned to reality to find Calum had shifted closer to study Brix’s face, like he’d seen something that had worried him. Fuck that. Calum already worried enough for both of them.
Brix pushed all thuggish thoughts aside and found a smile he hoped went some way to matching the one he mourned now it had faded from Calum’s beautiful face. “I’m thinking that I don’t want you to go back to London.”
“London?” Calum tilted his head to one side. “I haven’t thought about going back.”
Brix was more delighted than he cared to admit, but carefully schooled his features. “I like having you here. Didn’t realise how lonely I was until I saw you with the chooks every morning, singing that song to Bongo.”
Calum rolled his eyes. “I don’t sing to Bongo. I talk to her, and you know she answers me.”
Brix couldn’t contain his laughter, though there’d been plenty of hens who’d owned his heart the way Bongo clearly owned Calum’s. “She’s the best layer of all the new girls. The others are too busy trying to escape.”
Calum chuckled. “I saw the bald one on top of the coop yesterday. Good job you clipped their wings.”
Brix nodded his agreement, absorbing the lighter air between them. He still raged at the shame lingering in Calum’s dark gaze. His soul felt Calum’s quiet presence beside him like a second skin, and the desire to beg Calum to stay was all-consuming.
Like he’d read Brix’s mind, Calum leaned forward and touched Brix’s arm, lightly at first, but then with more purpose as his warm hand slid over Brix’s skin. “Brix?”
“Hmm?”
“I don’t want to go back to London.”
