Lenny looked as though he wanted to say more, but Nero yawned hard enough to crack his jaw, and Lenny took it as his cue to snatch his sketches back. “Enough work. You’re knackered.”
Nero couldn’t deny it, but before they shut business talk down completely, a reckless thought overcame him, spilling out before he could check it. “Do you want to see the site? And the bus? We could get a cab, and Cass could come too. We wouldn’t let anything happen to you, I promise. We could even go at night—”
“Nero, I can’t.”
Of course he couldn’t. How could he, when he’d been terrified of the outside world for as long as Nero had known him? And you thought a trip to a shitty building site would change that? Guilt and stupidity boiled in Nero’s blood, obliterating the inevitable warmth he carried when Lenny was around. I’m sorry. But he didn’t say it aloud. Couldn’t. The shame in Lenny’s eyes was too much.
Nero gathered the dirty bowls and plates and retreated to the kitchen. The urge to roll a joint and smoke himself into oblivion was strong, but he settled for a fag instead and stood on the fire escape, watching the last strains of red sunlight as they melted away. Steph had told him earlier that he’d been different since Lenny had arrived—calmer, mellower. Was that true? As Nero’s skin itched and his heart pounded, he doubted it. And what the fuck did Steph know? It wasn’t like she could see the precipice of madness Nero walked along each day.
Nausea churned in Nero’s belly. He took a deep drag on his smoke and leaned on the railing, bowing his head as night swallowed the city. Despite the bright streetlights, the darkness was all-consuming, and Nero wondered if it would ever end, or if he’d one day have to help it along.
“Nero?”
He didn’t look up. Couldn’t take the sight of Lenny hovering in the doorway. “Yeah?”
“Have you got Netflix?”
“No, I haven’t got fucking Netflix. Have you?”
“What do you think?”
Nero sighed and briefly closed his eyes, and then he raised his head and saw that Lenny hadn’t even made it as far as the open door. “Come outside.”
“Nero—”
“Come outside.”
“No.”
“Fuck this.” Nero pushed off the railing and strode inside. He grasped Lenny’s arms and yanked him to the door. “Look around. No one can see us unless they’re in a helicopter or some shit. There ain’t nothing to be scared of up here.”
Lenny squirmed, fighting Nero’s hold on him, his strength belying his slender frame. “Let me go.”
“No.”
“Nero.”
The panic in Lenny’s eyes tore Nero in two, but he held firm. “I’m not going to force you outside, but I want you to try, just once, and soon, before these four walls send you too far round the bend to come back.”
Nero released Lenny and returned to the railing. The rational minority in his brain was mortified, but he couldn’t bring himself to turn and see the fears he’d made his own so long ago staring back at him. He lit another smoke and took a drag harsh enough to make another man choke, but not Nero. A sky of thick, suffocating smoke had set him free, even if he’d had to wait five years to truly know what that meant. Old ghosts could haunt him all they liked, they were still fucking dead, right?
Warm fingers closed around Nero’s wrist. Despite his certainty that it couldn’t be Lenny, his heart drove him to lean into the touch, and then, as Lenny trembled, to open his arms and hold Lenny tight against him like he should’ve done weeks ago.
Shivering, Lenny pressed his face against Nero’s chest. He mumbled something. Nero held him closer, absorbing the sweet smell of Lenny’s hair. “What’s that?”
Lenny shook his head, so Nero let him be and gazed out over London. For a while, he was lost in the heady combination of Shepherd’s Bush bustling below and the heat of Lenny’s terrified embrace. It was some time before he realised Lenny’s grip on him had slackened and they were watching the city together. “It’s safe up here, I promise.”
“Yeah, I see that now.” Lenny turned so his cheek rested over Nero’s beating heart. “It’s just . . . it’s hard, you know? I believed you when you said it, I just couldn’t bring myself to risk it. I’ve been wrong so many times.”
“I’ve been wrong a lot too. Sometimes it’s easier to accept it, eh? Let the shit wash over you?”
“Something like that.”
Nero hummed a lazy reply. Having Lenny in his arms was incredible, but he already dreaded how he’d feel when he had to let go.
Perhaps sensing his thoughts, Lenny sighed. “I wish we could stay up here forever.”
Me too. “Bloody starve, though, wouldn’t we?”
