“Aye,” she answered, ashamed. She hoped she didn’t have to say anything more.
“Why, lass? What did he do to you?”
She looked at him, her William, and swallowed. Before she became afraid of the Scots, she loved when he called her lass.
Phillip had tried to take everything from her. She wouldn’t let him take Nicholas. “He made me his servant.”
She felt a wave of nausea wash over her, the scalding burn behind her eyelids. She didn’t say another word. She didn’t have to.
He covered her hands on her knees with one of his hands. When he spoke a moment later, his voice shook with leashed fury. “You said he was dead.”
She nodded.
“By your hand? Are you hiding from the other two brothers?”
“No. Phillip died at the hands of the abbess. Poison,” she said, moving closer to him. She owed the abbess her life. William was the only one she would ever tell.
“Do you hate me for marrying him, Nicholas?” she asked. She didn’t want to hear the answer but she needed to. As much as she loved him, she wouldn’t stay if he did not, or could not in the future, love her in return. She wouldn’t blame him. It made her want to pull out her hair. “I would know the truth.”
He moved his hand away from hers and looked away. Julianna was certain he could hear her heart banging.
Silence boomed even louder for an eternal moment until he spoke. “I have done everything to stop you from haunting me, Julianna. The only relief I have found in four years was the short time I had with Mattie. I sailed halfway across the world and tried to hide in the most remote places, but I could not escape you. I even went to Berwick to rid myself of the memory of you. Aye, I was there. I made myself hate you. ’Twas the only way to live without you.”
His eyes gleamed as he stared off into the flickering candlelight. “I couldn’t move on with you constantly in my head. And I have to move on. For the sake of my son.”
“Of course,” she said on a broken whisper. Why did he have to move on? She was here. She loved him. She wanted to tell him. She didn’t want to lose him again. “Nicholas, I—”
He turned to Rauf entering the chapel and grinning when he saw them. “What is it?”
“Nothin’,” Rauf said as he sat down. “I just wanted to see how things were goin’.” He grinned even harder when he caught Julianna’s eye. “Seems to be goin’ well.”
She smiled softly into her hand at the look of utter disbelief on Nicholas’ face.
“You can go,” Nicholas warned him. “Now.”
“Nicky, I—A’right then. I’m goin’.” Rauf stood up and shook his head, mumbling about him being worse than his brother.
“He cares for you,” she told Nicholas when they were alone once again.
“He is a fool,” came his reply.
Well, she certainly didn’t want to tell him she loved him now.
“I have been trying to find Berengaria.”
He looked up at her from beneath his dark brows. “Why?”
“I want to know why she left us.”
“Why?” he asked, turning away from her. “What will it change for you?”
She shrugged her shoulders. “I do not know until I see her again, but you know I do not believe she left us for no good reason. She loved us, Nicholas.”
He said nothing.
“She did,” Julianna insisted, “and I intend to find out what happened.”
“What if she is dead?” he asked.
