We leave the clinic with the baby’s ultrasound. I’m pretty sure I won’t call her Danielle.
It’s not a name that I have chosen, but that has been imposed on me, and when things are levied on me, it often happens that I do the opposite. I already have another name in mind for my daughter, and I won’t tell anyone because it will be a secret, and it will be mine until the end.
We’re so happy and proud that everything is fine. The pregnancy is progressing wonderfully. The baby is growing well that we don’t even realize that, rather than taking the road to my house, we’re heading toward Danny’s house.
“Do you realize that we’ve taken the wrong road? You have to focus more on driving and not on what we were talking about. Otherwise, we’ll end up in another county without realizing it,” I say.
“I know, baby. It’s just that I’m so happy, so proud of you, that I’m lost. I’m sorry.
I know you’ll take me for crazy, but every time I cross the house’s threshold, I can’t wait to see you and hear our baby’s giggles. I know that maybe it won’t happen for many years, or perhaps never, but it’s nice to dream. I love you, baby.”
I’m speechless. I have tears in my eyes, and I don’t know what to say. I would love to tell him too, but I can’t. I can’t.
Out of respect for Jeremy, even if he doesn’t deserve it.
Out of respect for that vow, I took in front of God on my wedding day. That’s why I’m holding back. Also, for the repercussions, we could suffer. Putting Danny in danger is the last thing I want.
“Would you like to stop by and say hello to your mom? I’d like to tell her that she was right and that she’s a girl.”
“Baby, you literally leave me speechless. Of course, we can go. Love, can I ask you something?”
“Sure, tell me...”
“I always find—well, at least two times a week—I always find fresh flowers on my mom’s grave. Do you happen to go there every now and then?”
“If I said yes, would you be angry with me?”
“Of course not.”
“Then yes, at least two times a week, I need to go there. I know it seems crazy, but talking to her calms me, and I feel her there, so it makes me feel good.”
“I know. It’s the same reason I go there, too. Thank you. Thank you for visiting her, thank you for keeping her company and for considering her a friend. She would have really loved you, baby.”
“And I would have loved her.”
Danny smiles, shaking his head. The journey to the cemetery is slow but full of emotions. It doesn’t matter that she’s no longer there. For us, it will always be as if she were there.
We’re more excited than ever as we walk toward Alice’s grave. We stay there for an hour if not longer, to talk. Confide in her our fears, emotions, and sensations upon seeing the little girl with her perfect tiny hands and feet and feeling her heartbeat. It’s the most sensational emotion there can be for a new parent.
Returning to my house, I call Ingrid. I owe it to her.
She answers on the first ring.
“Hi, Hailey,” she says. “I was looking forward to your call. Tell me everything.”
“There isn’t much to say. We saw the little one. We saw the little hands, the feet, felt the little heart, and it was fascinating.”
“Please don’t keep me waiting. Is it a girl?”
“Yes, she’s a wonderful girl.”
“I knew that a mom’s instinct would never be wrong. Congratulations! Now I can go shopping for my little granddaughter.”
“You’ll spoil her, won’t you?”
“Obviously. It’s my duty as a grandmother.”
We laugh, then say goodbye and end the call.
