I nod, bewildered by what he thought I was doing.
“I heard someone outside and I figured it was you. I wanted to tell you that you should get some sleep too.” My voice is soft and almost affectionate.
He backs up until his shoulder hits the wall. “Well, I’d love to get some sleep but I’m standing guard until three AM. Then your brother’s gonna relieve me.”
“What?” I ask, confused.
“Rick wanted to make sure you were safe.”
Waving one hand towards the suite I just came out of, I tell him, “The two of you are going overboard. I’ve already told you that my foster parents aren’t hands-on evil geniuses. They aren’t going to come busting up in here to abduct me or anything quite so dramatic.”
I take a step closer to him and sit down on the floor directly in front of where he’s standing. He immediately lowers himself into a sitting position and I know all the way down to my soul it’s because he thinks it’s less intimidating. I remember what he said about always feeling like he was too big and a burden to the foster families who took him in.
“You’re not too big, Bear. You know that people come in all sizes, right?” Gesturing towards the stairs, I remind him, “Almost all the men downstairs are big and muscular, like you. You finally found the place where you fit in and don’t have to apologize or feel bad for being yourself.”
His head snaps up and his mouth falls open for a second before he recovers.
“And how about you? Have you found the place where you fit in?”
I can’t help the smile that lights up my face. “Yes. I belong right here beside you and my brother. I love my new life, and I love that I’m going to be working with both of you. I really didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, but this is definitely it.”
Bear’s tense body relaxes back against the wall. “You don’t want me to move out? When this is all over, I can move into the clubhouse to give you and Rick more space at the apartment.”
I shake my head. “No way. Rick says when the lease is up, we can get a three-bedroom apartment. Since I’m going to be working now, we can split the rent three ways.”
Suddenly, a smile ghosts across his face. “I think that’s a good idea. Rick and I moved in together when we started MedEx to save money. I thought a sweet thing like you would get bored of living with two hard-ass bikers who spend their evenings gaming and eating takeout.”
“Nope. Not at all. I love watching the two of you gaming together. That one car game where you run each other off the road is fun to watch.”
“Yeah, we’ve been playing that one since we were teens. I keep telling him we should pick another but then they release an expansion pack, and we end up pulled back into it.”
I can’t believe that Bear is finally relaxed enough to talk to me about his interests and life. I glance down at his hands resting on his knees. They’re big and scarred but I know they can also be kind and gentle. Something about the contrast makes my chest tighten. Bear feels like the first true friend I’ve ever had. I’ve been fighting the attraction that I have for him. I know he doesn’t feel the same way, but even if he did, I’ve only just reconnected with my brother, and I don’t want to mess things up. But somehow, tonight, I feel I have to say something.
“I really like you,” I say again, trying to take the conversation in a new direction.
He glances away and mumbles, “It’s because we’re both foster kids. We have a lot in common. You’ve dropped me into the brother slot, right along with Rick.”
Hearing that he thinks I see him as a brother makes my chest tighten. It would be all too easy to just agree with him. But it would be a lie. I hadn’t meant to bring this conversation up but now that he did, I find that I don’t want to shy away from it.
I come to my knees and try to articulate all the ways he’s wrong about that. Bringing one hand to cover my heart, I tell him, “You’re wrong about that. I don’t see you as a bonus brother. When I’m with you, it feels different,” I say tapping my chest.
Swallowing thickly, I slide my other hand down to cover my mound. I snatch up all my courage and tell him boldly, “It feels different here as well. When I’m alone with you, I feel tender and achy where I’ve never felt it before.”
Bear goes still, like I just harpooned him through the chest. He’s shaking his head before I even finish my sentence. “I’m not allowed to know that… to help you with that. None of the brothers here are. You’re off limits.”
I drop both hands to my sides and look into his dark eyes. “So, I can’t ever be a real woman, because Rick is my brother, right? He gets to tell me what I can and can’t do with my own body. Are you telling me that he has to approve all my choices?”
“Fuck, fuck, fuck. The fuck is this? Why does all the weird shit have to happen to me?” He stands up and shifts further down the hall like he’s trying to put some distance between us. When he speaks, his voice is strained, “Look, I’m not saying any of that. All I know is he said you’re off limits.” Gesturing towards the door of our suite, he says, “He’s my best friend. We’ll soon be club brothers. Making you off limits was meant to set boundaries with me, not you.”
When I get to my feet, he backs up some more. “Are you saying I can do whatever I want but you just can’t respond?”
His voice goes up an octave, “Hell the fuck no! That’s not what I’m saying. You’re not for me to like or not like.”
I don’t know what’s gotten into me, but I gesture towards the front of his pants. “I think you’re lying about that. And I want to know why.”
One hand comes up to swipe down his face. “Look, you’re nineteen years old. You’ve been in a shitty situation for years. Hell, from what you said, for most of your life. You don’t know what you want.”
“So, you don’t want to get to know me better. Is that what you’re saying?”
