“I don’t know if I would say that, but…” Lara chewed on the inside of her cheek, wishing she had some gum, a mint, anything to keep her tongue and teeth preoccupied with something other than talking. “Things always change, eventually. Something always gives.”
This was a truth in life. Nothing stayed nice and quiet forever. At some point, some business deal would flatline, somebody would go broke, someone would cheat and divorce, or, in her mother’s case, someone would have a nervous breakdown and get doped up on benzos.
People died. Marriages ended. Children were born and created strained relationships for others. Houses were sold. In comparison to other people they knew, Lara and Kennedy were too quiet, wild sex life aside. They seldom disagreed regarding money and business, and if they did, it was sorted out rationallywithin a few days. When it came to sex, they were always on the same page, even if tastes changed. But at our core, it’s business as usual. It was always business.
“Ten years is a long time with someone,” the therapist said. “Perhaps you’re antsy?”
“I would believe that if we didn’t have the kind of relationship we did.”
“Do you still love her?”
“Of course I do!” What kind of question was that? Would she be here trying to sort out her insecurities if she didn’t love Kennedy? “Do I really have to spell that out?”
“I merely wanted to confirm, Lara.” The man was more patient than Kennedy. Especially with someone as high-strung as Lara. “Do you believe she still loves you?”
“She says she does every day.” How many women could say that after a decade of marriage? Only a lucky few, in Lara’s experience. “She doesn’t treat me any differently. We have a lot of sex. Three, four times a week. Sometimes more. Less if we’re apart or sick, but that doesn’t happen often.” She glanced at her therapist. “I’m including non-penetrative sex with that.” Oral and manual sex always counted in Lara’s book. Otherwise, she would’ve lost her virginity at sixteen and not fifteen, and she did love numbers with a multiple of five.
“All right.” The therapist typed something on his tablet. “Now, Lara, I want to ask you something that may make you a bit defensive…”
She waited.
“Do you think you may be manufacturing this illicit affair between your maid and your spouse?”
Lara turned toward him again. “Why would I do that?”
“Well, from the sounds of it, you’re uncomfortable with how seemingly simple your relationship is after a decade. If your instincts tell you that things fall apart after a certain period oftime, then you will start looking for signs that may not even be there. Things that did not bother you before will now. You’re looking for reasons to think that your wife is cheating, because you’re looking for reasons to end your marriage. You said so yourself that you fantasize about divorcing your spouse.”
“I don’t know if I would sayfantasize…”
“It’s completely normal, Lara. You are far from the first woman, let alone person, who harbors ideas of ending something perfectly fine for the sake of ending it. In this day and age, we are conditioned to want something new every five minutes. Even if you have an open marriage, you may still crave someone new to call your own.”
“I would never cheat on her.”
“Even so, our subconscious can sabotage even the best of things because of what it believes is necessary. And for your subconscious, it may think that a new relationship, a new marriage, is in order. Therefore, you want a divorce, but you also need a reason for that divorce. You look for signs that your partner is cheating on you, one of the only reasonable grounds for divorce you can think of.”
Lara sat up and swung her legs over the side of the couch. Her fingers gripped the edge as she stared at the plush, beige carpet. So neutral. So boring. Like her life could be sometimes, even for all its adventures. “So what do I do?”
“Well, first of all, you need to talk to your spouse and tell her your fears and concerns.”
Lara shook her head. “I couldn’t tell her that I thought she was cheating on me…”
“You don’t have to. Simply tell her that you’re concerned about feeling uninspired and in need of something different. Whatever that means for you two. It may be necessary to brainstorm ideas on how you can eventually feel better and more confident inyour marriage.” The therapist paused, glancing at his ceiling in thought. “Your second honeymoon is coming up?”
“Yes. After our anniversary.”
“That’s an excellent opportunity to explore new facets of your relationship. It’s also a chance to have these talks, since ten years marks a change in your relationship, no matter what.”
She didn’t want to cry. She definitely didn’t want to cry in front of her therapist, whose office was decked out for Christmas and sporting pictures of his happy family. Did this man have the same concerns for his life that she did for hers? Was he the type of man to build up signs that weren’t there, so he would have the excuse of ending a perfectly good marriage? I don’t want to lose Kennedy… Yet her instincts…
Lara grabbed a tissue and dabbed the corner of her eye. “I can’t ignore my instincts. They’ve never failed me before.”
“Then you really need to talk with her. If necessary, we can schedule a session with her.”
Boy, that would be a trip and a half. Lara couldn’t even imagine what that kind of conversation would be like.
She did leave the office that day with a new resolution, however. Don’t fall for your own mind games, Lara. First, she treated herself to that spa day since she happened to be downtown. Lara was pampered by the best masseuse in the region and had her toenails painted a bright, cheery pink that would delight her every time she looked at them. She wasn’t thrilled about having half her hair ripped out of her body, but she ignored the pain by talking to the esthetician about the latest gossip around town.
Lara considered these temporary improvements to her skin, nails, and muscles as a new lease on her attitude. From now on, I’ll calm down. She strolled down the chilly city streets, sipping a latte and trying to enjoy the moment for what it was.
