CHAPTER
NINETEEN
There wasicy fog in the morning air, making the starting line moody and dramatic. Kirby had slept poorly and woken up early, too agitated to sleep any longer. She’d spent all morning slowly warming up her muscles and fueling for the classic sprint events.
In Kirby’s experience, it was impossible to be fully prepared for the Olympics. She had come to her first Olympic Games when she was twenty-four. At that point, she’d only been skiing competitively for a few years. She’d gotten to race a sprint heat after the flu had taken a teammate down. Kirby had been so naïve. So new to the sport. Naturally gifted but inexperienced.
It had felt so extraordinary. The excitement in the air. The pomp. The optimistic sportsmanship.
Every time she’d hit an Olympic course since, that anticipation and hope rushed up on her like a sense memory. It didn’t matter that she was a gold medalist now and not the young adult who had come last in her very first Olympic heat. It didn’t matter that she was a pseudo-celebrity and not a relative unknown entity.
The Olympics were always special and beautiful and so fucking stressful.
If everything went well, she would race four times in the next four hours, from qualification, quarterfinals, semifinals, to finals.
Coach Wu approached her in the warm-up area. She glanced around thoughtfully. “One misty moisty morning, when cloudy was the weather…”
Kirby stared at her blankly.
“Not a nursery rhyme fan?” Coach Wu said, humor in her voice. “That one’s my favorite. There’s leather.”
“I’ll be honest, Coach. I’m not going to be much for banter today, I don’t think.”
Coach Wu smiled. “That’s a first. You looked good in warm-ups. Do you feel good?”
Kirby considered the question. It came down to appearance versus reality. Her outward presentation versus the turmoil in her head and heart. Looking good versus feeling good.
Seeing Mara crash during the skiathlon. Taking care of her afterward. Filming together. It was too much. Too many emotional swings, and she’d begun to worry the chaos would trigger a panic attack. The attacks loomed over her like a guillotine threatening to fall without warning. She’d finally spoken to one of the sports psychologists who had traveled with Team USA, and she’d done a videocall with a therapist as well. They weren’t magicians who could cure her over the course of an hour, but she felt more settled.
And she’d realized she needed a breath to get through her first race before jumping headlong into another battle with Mara. Whatever form that battle might take.
It was okay to feel out of control.
But it was also okay to take back control when possible.
“Actually, yes. I do feel good.”
“Head is where it should be?”
Kirby nodded. Coach Wu had been checking in consistently over the past week without being pushy. Both were appreciated. The checking in and the giving space.
“Go make them regret underestimating you, KB.” Coach Wu gave her a trademark shoulder pat before Kirby made her way to the starting line to begin the qualification round where the thirty fastest skiers would move to the quarterfinal heats.
Her heart was hammering in her ears. She took a breath, filling her lungs with frosty air. Then another. Then suddenly crystal clarity flushed through her. It was a sensation she was always chasing but rarely caught. The stillness. The way time slowed, and her thoughts quieted, and the only thing that existed was the snow in front of her, the tension in her muscles as she waited to explode off the starting line, and the silence as she waited for her signal.
Andbang.
She was off.
The sprint course at Tesero Stadium was exactly her kind of course. It was fast with a hard climb up a hill before a long straightaway to the finish line.
She pushed for the whole race, but there was strategy involved. She needed to qualify but also preserve energy for the later heats.
When the finish line came into view, she saw the Olympic rings imposed on the course and clocked the cheers from the crowd for the first time. She zipped through the finish line and slid to a stop.
She smiled and waved a pole at the crowd before putting her hands on her hips to try to breathe through the pain of exertion.
Her time was fine. She was solidly within the top fifteen and would easily move to the quarterfinal heats.
