‘I know. Tell me about it. I’m on the pill but had had a bit of a stomach upset that week. It must have affected it – how’s my luck?’
‘Have you told him?’
‘No bloody way. He had already said that he didn’t want children. This would tip him over the edge.’
Gracie looked pained.‘Oh, god. I’m sorry you are going through this.’
Maya started to rush with her words. ‘I know you must think of me badly as he’s married… especially after what you’ve been through, but the really sad thing is I love him, Gracie. Like properly love him. I feel like my body and mind is taken over when he makes love to me. And I really don’t know what to do.’ The usually tough-as-nails Maya started to cry.
‘Oh, baby girl. Don’t cry.’
‘And… this is so cruel for you, too, someone who would die to be in my position, right now.’
‘Don’t even think about that. These things happen and it wasn’t like you trapped him or anything.’
‘I really didn’t. And as much as I love him, he came and told me that he was making a go of it with his wife just the other day. I am nobody’s second best, Gracie. In fact, I always used to say I’m far too big to be a bit on the side – and then I fucked him. I’ve been fucking him for months.’
‘Sadly we don’t always choose who we fall in love with, Maya. Have you thought about what you want to do?’
‘I’ve got so many plans for the future. I’m twenty-two, Gracie. I would have to go back home if I had a baby. I would never be able to afford to stay here and I’m too proud to take benefits.’
‘So are you thinking of an abortion, then?’
‘I can’t do that either. My mother would kill me. She is so religious.’
‘She wouldn’t have to know.’
‘OK, my mother is an excuse… I can’t do that. I would never forgive myself.’
‘So you have to tell the father and he must support you.’
‘No. I can’t be beholden to him. I want him to want me for me and – as much as I could still have him in my life if I told him this, he made it clear that he doesn’t want to see me again.’ Maya took a deep breath. ‘It would just be too painful.’
Gracie sighed. ‘There has to be a solution. Have you thought about adoption?’
‘I did consider it but I don’t know where to start.’
‘OK. Things got so bad with Lewis that it was never discussed further than that it could be an option, but I’ll happily get some details for you. I’ll help you as much as I can, Maya, I promise you.’
‘Gracie, you are such a lovely person. I’m glad you are in my life.’ Maya sniffed loudly.
Gracie took a sip of her coffee. The past few months had certainly pushed her to her limits. Lana wanting a miscarriage; Renee’s struggle with her IVF journey; Annalize losing the baby that she’d thought was Lewis’s; and now Maya not having any choice in her mind other than to give up a child for adoption. So many women, so many difficult issues to face in their lives, and she had helped them or was helping them all.
She had learnt and listened and been able to convey the pain she had felt and put it to good use. It made her feel happy in a way, happy that her babies hadn’t died in vain.
‘You are a beautiful person too, Maya Bakova. You gave me the kick up the arse I needed to move on from Lewis. Ed hasn’t worked out, but he was good for me initially. He did show me the affection I was craving at the right time.’
‘Is it over with him, then?’
‘Yes, I finished it the other night, he wasn’t happy.’
‘I’m sorry, Gracie.’
‘I’m not. It was the right decision, for both of us, and he will see that eventually.’
‘And… Lewis?’
‘I think about him every day. Mainly what could have been. We’d have our little family now. How different life would be. A few times when Ed was mean, I did think about what Lewis and I had. I felt a pure love for him, safe. It is just so sad that I can’t forget what he did.’
