Gracie nodded. ‘Now, that’s a feeling I do understand. Are you at the injecting stage?’ The whole painful process flooded back to Gracie and actually made her feel slightly glad that she didn’t ever have to do it again.
‘Yes, well, I’m four weeks away from egg collection. Hopefully they will get enough this time to make it work.’
‘It’s your second time?’
The attractive woman took a deep breath. ‘No, my fifth.’
‘Wow, I commend you, it’s so much to put your mind and body through.’ Gracie looked slightly downcast.
‘I know. But we – that’s me and my husband, Andy – we won’t give up until we get a child. It’s what we have always wanted.’
Gracie thought back to the pressure of wanting to conceive so much it had taken overherlife and Lewis’s.
She thought for a second before she delivered with a shaky voice, ‘And what if that doesn’t happen, Renee?’
‘That thought doesn’t enter my head. I’m keeping everything positive around me. The thought of never being able to have children of my own just devastates me.’
‘I apologise for the negativity, it’s just I know exactly how that feels, I’m afraid. The longing, I mean.’ Her voice faded. ‘The desperation.’
‘Oh, Gracie, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know that was the case with you. I heard about the loss of your twins – for which I am so sorry – so tragic.’
‘Yes, they were IVF. Sadly, a hysterectomy followed, too. After I… we, lost them.’ Suddenly a vision of Lewis’s shocked, white face when he realised what had happened rushed through her mind.
‘Oh, Gracie.’ Renee looked pained.
‘I’m coming to terms with it now.’ Her voice lilted. ‘And today is not about me.’ She sighed deeply. ‘So why are you here today, Renee?’
‘The nutrition talk, I think it will be of use to me. And I guess it’s also good to talk to other women who’ve been in the “IVF club”.’
‘The club of joy and sorrow.’ Gracie stated dramatically. ‘And I’m not a very good advert for it, really.’ Gracie felt tears spring to her eyes. ‘Actually, what am I saying? I conceived the twins through it without too much effort. It was hanging on to the little darlings that I struggled with.’
‘Oh Gracie, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through.’
Gracie cleared her throat. ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and all that.’
Renee squeezed Gracie’s arm. ‘It’s amazing what you are doing here. Thank you.’
‘No, thank you for coming and I wish you all the luck in the world with it.’ Gracie paused for a second to order her words correctly. ‘Renee. I will say, though, that trying over and over again can be a little damaging not just for your body, but your soul too. All that heartache… you need to let it out, even though you are taking positive steps to try again. Make sure you do, won’t you? I’m here if ever you need a chat.’ Gracie put a comforting arm on the woman’s shoulder.
‘Thank you, Gracie. It’s lovely to talk to someone who understands.’
‘One other thing which might help or not, because this is your journey and not mine, but after recovering from the hysterectomy physically, I felt a sense of relief that the decision about having children of my own had been taken out of my hands. Relief that I would never again have to be tied to my ovulation dates. And most of all, relief that I would never have to feel the atrocity of losing another baby again.’
Gracie felt good to have said that out loud. Then she cringed. ‘I’m sorry, maybe that wasn’t the right thing to say to you, now.’
Renee welled up. ‘It’s OK. I understand every single thing you just said. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, either, but if the decision were to be made for me it would be the best thing. I’m thirty-seven. I could go on trying to conceive for another five, maybe even ten, years. Ten years in which I could be looking to adopt or foster or just be at peace with myself.’
Gracie handed her a tissue.
‘Let’s will those eggs to be all plump and juicy when they come to be collected and that you and your husband make a beautiful bouncing baby.’
Renee sniffed. ‘Yes. Positive thinking breeds positive happenings.’
Gracie smiled warmly. ‘Indeed. Let me know how you get on, won’t you?’
‘Yes, of course, and thank you, Gracie, thank you for… for being so candid. It’s good to say it how it is. In fact, if this round of IVF isn’t successful, then I have a lot of thinking to do.’
SIXTY-EIGHT
