The childless one was always punctual. He liked that.
Gracie knocked gently on the door as previously instructed, smiled at the professor and laid her coat at the end of the chaise longue, her home for the next hour.
This was her fourth session and they both acknowledged now that not a word was spoken when she arrived. She lay back, nestled her head into the middle of the really quite vile flowery peach pillowcase, and shut her eyes.
‘There are tissues and water as usual underneath,’ Scott instructed.
Gracie, soothed by the professor’s low, throaty voice, took a deep breath and felt instantly at ease.
Scott noticed she had a lower-cut top on than usual; he could see the soft curve of her breasts spilling over the top. He had never seen her cleavage before.
‘So, how’s your week been?’
The professor watched Gracie as she replied. Her habit was to keep her eyes closed for the whole hour, unless she had a full sob going on, when she had to sit up and blow her nose for fear of choking.
She faltered, before saying quietly, ‘Lewis doesn’t find me attractive anymore.’
‘Was that exactly what he said to you?’
‘Hmm, he said he was finding it difficult to love me as I was.’
‘OK.’ Scott nodded wisely. ‘So your interpretation immediately went to your body image?’
‘Well… yes.’
‘And how does that make you feel?’
‘I’m not surprised, to be honest,’ Gracie confessed. ‘I know I’m not very pretty naked at the moment. And I’m certainly not the woman he first met. And… well… well, it’s almost like I don’t want him – Lewis, I mean – to find me attractive.’ She let out a huge sigh. ‘And well, it can’t be easy to live me with me at the moment. I’m a mess.’
The professor took a sip of water from a bottle on his desk. He was looking at Gracie in a different way today. Her round face was half-hidden by her wavy, dark brown, shoulder-length hair. He had noticed how beautiful her big green eyes were before she had shut them tight: full of expression and feeling, despite being drowned with sadness. He hadn’t taken in her long, mascaraed eyelashes before today. Her cheeks were flushed and she just had a smudge of gloss on her full lips. She was a naturally attractive woman and, despite all that she had been through, looked younger than her thirty-eight years.Probably because she doesn’t have children, he thought to himself.No constant worry or sleepless nights.
She was missing a little bit of soul at the moment, but it was his intention to help her get it back.
He looked down her body. He could see the line of her leg through her black leggings. He could never say it to her, but she had the figure of a mother who had just given birth. Curvy and desirable.
‘And why do you think you don’t want him to find you attractive now?’
‘Oh, I don’t know. No, actually, I do know. I don’t want sex. No, it’s not that. It’s the association with sex and Lewis and loss.’
‘That must be so difficult for you,’ Scott said gently as a tear rolled down Gracie’s cheek.
‘Yes, it is. And being honest I don’t know if I love him anymore or not. I feel a bit devoid of emotion at the moment, to be honest. It’s as if I need to get strong myself before I can give any love back. And I know it’s been six months since, you know… since what happened.’
‘Losing the twins, you mean, Gracie?’
‘Yes.’ She took a massive breath; even saying the word ‘twins’ still made her feel a bit sick.
It seemed, since she’d lost them, that she had never seen so many twins in her whole life. Or met so many people who were one of a twin, or saw so many women who were pregnant and kept harping on about it. But that had been her not so long ago. Pregnant and proud.
‘What do you think would happen if you did instigate intimacy, Gracie?’
‘He’d probably run a mile.’ Gracie sighed.
‘Like rules, walls are put in place to protect us,’ Scott replied gently. ‘Sometimes, we just need to break them down.’
Gracie almost had a skip in her step as she walked back to her car outside the university campus. She felt slightly better than when she had arrived and knew exactly what she was going to do. Professor Princeton had really helped today.
Lewis was at football practice for his local pub team so she had time to prepare.
