They ate in silence until Orla spoke up. ‘I went and got tested myself.’
‘OK.’ Vic nodded, her pulse picking up. ‘Because you were worried you’d caught it from me, in the flat?’
Orla looked scandalised. ‘Of course not! As you yourself said, I enjoy a one-night stand from time to time. I guessed if it could happen to you, then… I do use condoms but sometimes I get very drunk, as you know, and, well… it’s reckless of me.’
‘I mean, the law of averages does say it should be you and not me, but I was in the wrong time at the wrong place.’ Vic’s voice wobbled. ‘I’m sorry, I was such a bitch to you, Orla.’
‘Shut up, mate. My behaviour towards you was nothing short of diabolical. How dare I treat you like that? It came from a complete place of ignorance and fear. I didn’t actually know how to deal with it. How to deal with you. And for that I am truly sorry.’
‘I appreciate you saying that.’ Vic sighed. ‘I was so hurt.’
Orla rarely cried but Vic was sure she caught a glisten in her eyes. ‘And what you said to me was right, Vic. I do need to sort myself out. I float along saying I don’t want a man, or kids or commitment of any kind, but if I’m honest with myself I think I’m frightened that nobody will want me. I equate sex with love. I know I do that. But this isn’t about me today, so tell me to shut the feck up. And anyways, my woes are completely irrelevant compared to what you’re going through.’
‘No, they’re not.’ Vic sighed. ‘Everything is relative, and like I just said, I don’t want you to treat me like I’m ill, or like you have to tread on eggshells, worrying about what to say around me, as we’ve all got to just muddle on the best way we can. So, do you want to talk about howyou’refeeling, Orla?’
‘Jesus, no. We’ll be here till next fecking Christmas, but I am thinking of getting some counselling, maybe.’
‘I’m going to, as well,’ Vic added in solidarity.
Mandy welled up again. ‘I’m scared to ask this, but does Nate have it too?’
Vic shook her head. ‘I got it from Blondie. The condom split.’
‘Fuck.’ Orla took another glug of her wine.
‘Yes, fuck, indeed.’ Vic sighed. ‘And despite us sleeping together just the once after, it looks like Nate dodged the bullet, thankfully. What I am finding hard to get my head around, though, is that he’s got a job up north, and left already.’
‘Oh, mate,’ Mandy said through a mouth full of pizza. ‘What a fucker, though.’
‘He couldn’t cope with it,’ Vic stated plainly.
‘But come on, Vic, you’ve been with him six years.’ Orla shook her head.
‘I cheated on him. And he cheated on me. There was a lot going on there, and people are going to react differently. And, without knowing what I know now, I think I would initially be dubious about sleeping with someone who told me they had it, to be honest.’
‘I think he’s being weak,’ Orla said stoutly.
‘No. I think we’d run our course, to be honest. It wasn’t just him being scared of contracting it; he didn’t want to stay with me knowing I wasn’t all in. I actually think that’s quite brave.’ Victoria’s voice remained level. ‘I want to concentrate on me and my art now. I need to get my head around what having this virus means, and maybe spending some time on my own isn’t such a bad thing.’
‘I can’t believe how calm you’re being.’ Orla spooned some salad onto her plate.
‘I’m not, really. When I think about how impossible it’s going to be to find love again now I’ve gotthis, I feel anything but calm.I mean, who in their right mind will want me?’ She puffed out her cheeks and looked up to stop tears from falling.
‘Oh, darling.’ Mandy put her hand on hers. ‘We’re here for you. And you are beautiful inside and out, Victoria Sharpe, and don’t you ever forget that.’
‘The gorgeous Ray gave me a Christmas bonus and a pay rise so I can afford to stay at the flat, but I don’t know what I want to do anymore.’ Vic blew her nose.
‘Sit with it, Vic.’ Orla was now welling up, too. ‘No rash decisions. Your job is safe, and the flat is fine. Just stick with the familiar, for now.’
‘I think you’re right. Ray didn’t even break his stride when I told him. But we’ve agreed for me to take a couple of weeks off to work out what I really want to do.’
‘He’s so cool, that man.’ Mandy picked up another piece of pizza, and Orla looked sheepish.
‘Yes, he really is and I’m glad for that. You need that support at work too.’ Orla took a sip of her wine. ‘So what happens now, with your hospital appointments et cetera? What’s the next step?’
‘Regular check-ups with my specialist. Dr Anna, I call her. On first impressions, she’s really nice. She’ll let me know when I need to go on medication – and it could be years. It just depends how the virus takes hold.’
‘I read that’s the process,’ Orla added. ‘You’d think they’d put you on the medication right away.’
