Vic managed a smile. ‘Does Lisa know about your gambling? Maybe you could give her money as soon as you get it so you don’t have a chance to spunk it?’
‘I’m not telling her, Vic. I’m thirty years old. I need to sort this myself.’ Albie put his hand to his head. ‘Ouch. He got me a good’un there. But at least he’s got his money now. Wanker!’
‘Please take care of yourself, though, Alb.’
Albie put his hand on hers. ‘Are you sure you’re OK, Vic?’
‘Yes, yeah, of course. It’ll take more than a cut on the elbow to stop me.’ She quickly looked at the ceiling to suppress more tears.
Albie’s eyes welled up again too. ‘I so appreciate what you did out there. And I know I’ve been so shit lately, but I’m gonna really try, OK? And, Vic… if ever you need me, I am here for you. You hear me?’
‘Blimey.’ Slightly overwhelmed that she had at last managed to scratch the emotional side of her brother, Vic felt unexpectedly less alone. ‘It looks like Lisa’s knocked some feelings, as well as sense, into you. Have a beer, for goodness’ sake.’
They sat in a comfortable silence for a while, allowing Vic to realise she hadn’t thought about her HIV for at least twenty minutes. But once the thought was there again, it took her over like a runaway train. There were so many ‘if onlys’ running around in her head.
If she had been more loving and had had sex with Nate, maybe he wouldn’t have gone elswhere and slept with someone else. And despite him being nothing but encouraging about her creative desires, if she had just upped and left and followed her dreams without him, then she wouldn’t care or even know who Nate was shagging now. Not that she wanted Nate to have the virus either. But on a selfish note, if he did, atleast they could now deal with it together. But like her old gran used to say, ‘If ifs and ands were pots and pans, there’d be no work for tinkers’ hands’.
She drained her wine and shook her head as if trying to scare away the thoughts. But the HIV wasn’t going away and she had to think about it because she was living with it. And she had to think about it because after Christmas her next conversation was to be the hardest she would probably ever have to have in her whole life. Because if Natedidn’tknow, then she was the one who would be telling him that his life as he knew it was over too.
THIRTEEN
WINDSOR
Christmas Day
‘Quick, kids. It’s nearly three, I can’t miss the Queen. And then we can do presents when she’s finished,’ Kath Sharpe announced, untying her apron and heading to the living room.
Albie looked to Vic as if their mother had gone completely mad.
‘The Queen’sspeech,’ Vic clarified. ‘Don’t worry, Liz and the corgies aren’t coming round for figgy pudding.’ She laughed, pulling a small chunk of turkey off the carcass and put it into the dog bowl as Chandler whined at her feet. ‘Go on in, I’ll clear up this mess.’
‘If you’re sure. ’Cos you know how much of a royalist I am.’ Albie winked.
Vic flicked him with a tea towel.
‘Oi! Actually, come on, Vic. Leave that. I’m going home tonight and I hardly ever get to see you.’
‘I’ll be five minutes.’ Vic sat back at the kitchen table and poured herself another glass of white wine. After living with an alcoholic mother, she was wise enough to know that winewasn’t the cure-all answer she needed. But, momentarily, it allowed her to forget, and at this point in time that was exactly what she wanted to do.
Putting the last plate into the dishwasher, and not remembering how patchy the mobile signal at her mother’s place was, Vic was startled by an array of texts beeping in all at once. She wiped her hands on a tea towel then, sitting back down, she began to read.
Happy Christmas, darling girl. I hope everything is working out in the shires. Love Ray and Marcus xx
Merry Christmas, Missus. Remember if you can’t get over one, get under another one. Love you and can’t wait for the New Year’s Eve craic! Orla xxxxxx
Mr and Mrs Taylor would like to wish you a very happy Christmas. See you in 2006! Much love Mandy and Steve xx
Her face dropped on seeing the next one.
Dec 27 at the flat, say 6.30? I’ll cook dinner. Your Nate X
Vic put her hand to her chest and stuck out her bottom lip. Oh, to be able go back in time to pre-Mandy’s hen night, when she thought her worries and woes were so significant. When life consisted of living in a cosy flat in Wandsworth with a man who was handsome and kind. Where, granted, she wasn’t quite sure what the future looked like, but she had a job that she liked. When it was only herself who was holding her back, nobody and nothing else.
It had taken her health being compromised for her to realise exactly what she had already, and now her whole world was going to be blown right out of the water and she wasn’t sure howshe was going to cope. In fact, the thought of meeting Nate in a few days absolutely terrified her.
Hearing comforting words from Albie to her mother coming from the other room, Vic abandoned the clearing up and pushed open the door to find her mother in tears.
‘Mum, what’s wrong?’
