She straightens up, hands dropping from the railing, as she kicks off at a run, sprinting down the exterior staircase and bursting across the courtyard toward me.
She flings herself at me with such force I stagger back a step, my duffel bag hitting the ground with a thud. Her arms lock around my neck, her face buried against my filthy uniform. I barely have time to catch her, but when I do, her grip tightens, desperate, as if she’s checking that I’m real, that I didn’t vanish in the smoke.
I wrap my arms around her on instinct, one hand cradling the back of her head, the other splayed across her spine. Her body pressed against mine brings me back from the edge, wipes the fatigue away.
But something is wrong. Lily is trembling against me, her whole body shaking, even if the temperature is mild. I pull her closer, breathing in the scent of her hair. It’s the smell of the weekends, different from work days when the antiseptic is mixed in with the flowers. When did I get to know her so well? I haven’t been in California that long, and yet it feels like forever.
“It’s okay,” I murmur into her hair, not even sure she hears me as her shoulders shake with silent sobs. “I’m here. Everything’s fine.” My voice catches, roughened by smoke and emotion.
But Lily’s body goes rigid in my arms, and she pulls back. Her face is blotchy and streaked with tears, but what startles me is the fury blazing in her eyes. Before I can react, she slams the underside of her fist into my chest—no actual force behind it. I barely feel the hit through the heavy fabric of my turnout coat, but the shock of it jolts through me.
“It isnotokay!” The words tear out of her, raw and ragged, shuddering, torn straight from a deep visceral place inside her. “None of this is okay!”
She hits me again, an open-handed smack against my shoulder. Once more, the physical blow is nothing, but it’s the emotional one that knocks me out.
“Lily—” I try, but she cuts me off with another smack to my chest.
“You had no right,” she sobs, her voice breaking. “I told you I couldn’t do this again. I told you!”
Each new sentence is punctuated by another hit—none strong enough to hurt, but each enough to break me. I try to catch her wrists, to make her stop hurting herself on my gear, but she twists, swatting at my hand, wild and unpredictable.
The desperation in her eyes is all-consuming; she looks lost, split open. I want to take her anguish, to absorb her pain, but all I can do is stand and let her fall apart on me.
“Do you have any idea what it was like?” Her voice rises, cracking at the edges. “Getting those burn victims in the ER? Seeing firefighters rolled in on gurneys? Not knowing if the next one would be you?” She shoves at my chest again. “I couldn’t breathe! I couldn’t think!”
“I’m sorry.”
“Too fucking late. I asked you to leave me alone, but you kept showing up,” she accuses, tears streaming down her face. “Always there, always kind, fixing things, always being so damn perfect.” Her voice cracks on the last word, and she pushes me back, eyes blazing. “You made me fall in love with you without me even realizing it!”
My heart pinches—a sharp, beautiful pain. She loves me. I want to shout, to tell her I love her, too. That I always have, from the start. But the pain in her words keeps me silent. Her confession holds no joy, only agony.
“Why?” she demands, her voice rising to something between a yell and a plea. “Why did you make me care? Why?”
I can’t hold back anymore. “Because I couldn’t stay away.” The words come out half-broken, matching her own desperate tone. “Because I love you too, Lily. I’ve loved you since you stitched up my arm and wouldn’t tell me your first name.”
Her face crumples further, and for one wild moment, I think she might collapse against me again. Instead, she yells, “No!”
The sound tears through the silent courtyard, a scream that echoes behind my ribcage and shatters everything in its path.
“NO! You don’t get to say that. Not now. Not when you smell like smoke and ash and—” She breaks off, a sob wrenching from the place in her heart where she’ll never let me in. “—and him. You smell like he did. Every time. Every fucking time he came home from a fire.” She shoves me again, harder. “I can’t do this. I can’ttakeit.”
I open my mouth to plead, to promise… I wouldn’t know what… so I only say, “I know. I’m sorry.” The apology is inadequate. I reach for her, wanting to comfort her, to shelter her, to?—
Lily recoils. “I want you out of my life,” she chokes out, stumbling back another step. “Move somewhere else. Find some other place to live. I never want to see you again.” She’s crying so hard now she can barely get the words out. “Stay away from me. I can’t function with you around.”
My heart seizes as if it’s being crushed by a vice. Before I can respond, she turns and runs past me, past the pool, out of the housing complex, disappearing into the fading darkness.
I stand with my empty arms at my sides, feeling like I’ve been gutted. Should I go after her? She ran out in her pajamas and flip-flops.
Every instinct in me tells me to go. But no. I’ve already hurt her just by being who I am, by doing the job I love. I’ve done enough damage. Chasing after her now would be for me, to know she’s safe. But Lily doesn’t want me anywhere near her. She’s made that clear. It’s time for me to listen. She’s drawn the line. I should stop pretending I don’t see it.
Loving her means backing off when she asks me to. Especially since I don’t have a solution to offer.
I pick up my duffel bag and make myself turn away, trudging toward my apartment with legs that weigh a thousand pounds each.
Inside, I strip off my turnout coat, hanging it on the hook by the door. I stare at it, the heavy fabric still reeking of smoke, the shoulder streaked with Lily’s tears. I’ve wanted to be a firefighter since I was a kid playing with toy trucks. It’s my dream job, and after years of hard work, I’m in the position I’ve always dreamed of: squad lieutenant in LA County.
But at what price?
