“Ohhh, fuuuuuck,” he groans, his eyes rolling back in his head. “Screw the gym, man. We’re going to the shower…”
“No,” I snap, shaking my head.
“What? Why the hell not?!” He gestures down to his crotch. “Not sure if you can tell with these jeans on, but Blackbeard is totally fucking on board with skipping the gym for one day.”
Prickles start to appear in the periphery of my vision, my pulse suddenly skyrocketing. I hadn’t anticipated he’dactuallywant to go make my wayward fantasies a reality. Hell, I thought he’d given up on trying to figure out if he was attracted to men, since he hadn’t brought it up again since the seagull accompanied porn-screening debacle—that was nearlytwo monthsago at this point.
“You’re panicking,” he notes, suddenly dropping all his jocularity. “Come sit.” He tugs me over to the sofa and forces me to sit. “What’s going on? Why are you panicking? Fuck, I took it too far, didn’t I? I mean, I’m down for that, if you want to try, but…” he trails off.
I look down at my lap, my dick still stiffening, despite the cloying sensation around my ribs.
“It’s not that I don’twantto, Gannett,” I sigh. “It’s that Ican’t.”
His forehead creases with lines of confusion. “Are you seriously going to try to pull theI have EDcard on me right now, when I can see that bulge in your pants, clear as day? If it’s me, just say it…”
As panic starts to consume me, wrapping itself around my insides like thick, insidious smoke, that all too familiar feeling of needing to lash out kicks in. Since Marlin, it’s never been fight or flight with me. Always fight.
“It’s not y-you,” I grit out through clenched teeth. “I can’t, and you need to get the fuck away from me.”
But, of course, he doesn’t. He studies me for a bit, dejection mixed with that stupid pitying look back mark his expression again. “There’s something else you haven’t told me, isn’t there?”
God, why does he continue to push me instead of getting the fuck out of here for his own safety? Does he have no concept of self-preservation? My fists ball instinctively, and it takes every bit of me to restrain myself from cold-clocking him. Instead, I manage a weak nod.
He stands, pacing around the room with his hands on his hips. He huffs out a little laugh, but there’s no mirth in it. Only the bitterness that comes with being hurt. Finally, he stops and clears his throat. “So, you let Trista-Lynn fuck you—I mean, duh, Taryn—but what? Is this because I’m a guy? You said you were bi, but how do you know? Just from watching two men throw each other around on the TV screen? Have you actually everdoneanything with any other men?”
Finally, I snap. I launch off the sofa and stalk to the other side of the open space, that way he’s well out of my reach. “I don’t have tofucksomeone to know that I’m attracted to them, Gannett. And, for the record, the only other man’s hands that have been on me,weren’tthere by my own choosing,” I seethe. My heart gallops and I struggle to take air into my lungs. The blind rage, mixed with pure panic, now feels like they’re strangling every organ inside my body and locking every muscle under my scorched-feeling skin.
Gannett’s jaw slackens. The moment realization hits, evident in every feature of his handsome face. When his eyes flick up to mine, there’s nothing but pure malice in his voice when he simply asks, “Who?”
All I can do is shake my head. Shame and embarrassment add to the tempest of emotions battering my head and chest.
“Who, Gordy?” he asks again, his voice laden with gravel. Rage, that I didn’t think he was capable of, rolling off him like smoke. “I swear to god, I’ll fuckin’ kill hi—”
“You can’t, because he’s already fucking dead!” I snap back, my chest heaving, white-knuckling the countertop I’m leaning against. “Marlin, alright? The motherfucker found out I liked guys, and he thought that by fuckin’ touching me, he’d get me—I don’t know—convertme or something. All he did was leave me fearing another man’s hands on me, but it didn’t stop me from finding menattractive. At this point, you have everything! Are you fuckin’ happy now?!” I roar.
The constriction around my chest tightens even more, and my vision starts to tunnel.
“No, I’m not fucking happy!” he barks back. “I mean, yes, I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me, but Gordy—that’s fucking horrible!Beyondhorrible! I don’t even know a word big enough to describe how fuckin’ badly I want to make him pay for how much he hurt you!” his voice cracks, and that’s when I see it again: the pity.
“Don’t,” I grit out, spinning away so I don’t have to see that look on his face anymore. I grip the counter again, my arms bracketing the sink, because I feel nausea roiling within me. “Don’t fucking look at me like that.”
As I attempt to suck in a few calming breaths, I feel his presence behind me. “Look at you like what?” he quietly asks me.
A rogue tear breaks away and slips down my cheek. “L-like you feel sorry for m-me. B-because I’m not w-worth your goddamned pity,” I huff out, my words coming out as cracked and shattered as I feel. “I h-hate f-feeling like I’m b-broken.”
He sighs, mirroring my stance next to me. “I can have sympathy for you and still not treat you as if you’re broken at the same time,” he states. “I know I’m not the brightest guy in the entire world—hell, I just thanked my ex-wife for hercopulationearlier—but I do know this: you arenotworthless. Not by a long shot. Fuck, Gordy, after all you’ve been through, you have to be thestrongestman I know.”
“I wish that were true,” I whisper, and he turns to face me, resting his hip on the counter.
“Gordy, look at me,” he says, but all I can do is shake my head. I can’t fucking do this, now that he knowseverything. He’s going to treat me with kid gloves without even realizing it, and I don’t want that. With every fiber of my being, I don’t want to go back to feeling as helpless as I did back then.
He reaches around and grabs my shoulders, forcing me to face him.
“Fuck, Gannett, just stop!” I bellow. “Just fucking stop being so goddamned stubborn! Do you really want me to fight you right now? Because that’s what’s about to fucking happen, if you don’t lay off!”
“Yes, man!” he yells back, shoving me backwards with the hands he had on my shoulders. Then he charges ahead, fists balled at his sides as he stands toe-to-toe with me. “Yes! If that’s what it's going to take to get you to realize I am not fucking going to just give up on you, then yes—fight me. I don’t know jack shit about how to fix things with words, I never have, but if you need to take out everything on me—fucking do it! Iwantyou to!”
Oh, this stub-born moth-er-fuck-er.Blood rushes to my head as I lunge for him. He’s stunned momentarily before he’s able to right himself, and we’re locked in a grapple. I am able to knee him in the side with anoomphbefore he growls and fights back. It’s no holds barred as we crash into furniture and fumble our way around from the kitchen back into the living room.
