“I know.I love you, and I’m so grateful for you.”
The silence that settled over them had a comfortable quality, warm and pilled and soft.
Jem spoke first.“I miss your weird facts.”
“They’re not weird.They’re dark.They’re depressing.They’re horrifying.”
“I know, babe.It’s cute.And I miss your doom spirals.You care so much about—about everything, honestly.I miss hearing that.I miss getting toseehow much you care.”
Tean closed his eyes for a long moment.Then he opened them again.“I feel like I’ve spent the last year caught in a ghost net.Like I’ve been trying to live my life, and I’ve been trying to act like everything is normal, and the whole time, I’ve been dragging all this…all thisshitaround.And I need to stop doing that.I think I need to stop doing that.”
Jem nodded.
“And I think one reason—maybethereason—I’ve felt so…cut off or disconnected or whatever you want to call it, I think it’s because I feel like I did something wrong.Like I don’t deserve to be loved.”Jem opened his mouth, but Tean shook his head, and Jem shut it again.“So, I guess part of it is learning how to forgive myself.Because there isn’t anyone else I can ask.And that is—” His voice thinned in spite of his best efforts.“—hard.”
“I know, babe.”
“I’ve tried so hard to be good.”He laughed, and he was surprised to find he was crying.He wiped his face.“It sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud.Like I’m a little kid.But I have.I tried to be good when I was growing up, and I…wasn’t.I couldn’t be.And then, after that, I tried to figure out another way to be good.And I couldn’t do that either.And I’m so angry.And I feel guilty.And I’m scared, which is insane, because there’s this part of me that still believes that if I’m good enough, if I follow the rules, if I do everything right, I won’t—I don’t know.I won’t die.Bad things won’t happen to me.The people I care about will love me the way I want them to love me.And I know that’s not true, and I hate that I can’t get rid of that part of myself.”
Jem held both his hands now.“You were doing pretty good with the forgiveness stuff.I liked that stuff.”
Even to himself, Tean’s smile felt tired.“Yeah.Well, I’m going to work on that.I promise.And I think maybe I need to talk to someone.”
The expression on Jem’s face was unexpectedly wary, but all he said was “If you want to, babe.If you think it would help.”
Tean nodded.“Camus says—”
Moaning, Jem flopped back onto the sofa.
Tean laughed.
“I can’t.Ican’t,Tean.Camus?The guy with the boulder?”But then Jem popped upright again and said, “Okay.I’m ready.Lay it on me.We’re getting real, real dark.”
“Not this time,” Tean said.“Not really.Camus has a book calledThe Plague.And it’s about, well, a plague, and how people respond to it, and—I’m not doing a very good job summarizing it.But one of the characters talks about how even the best human beings can’t avoid killing or letting others kill, because that’s how they understand the world, how they think they’re supposed to live.And, I guess, because that’s how the world is, even for the best of us.We all kill to stay alive.We kill to protect ourselves.We kill to eat.We let others kill so we can eat.So we can be safe.Life is built on death.”
“I thought you said itwasn’tdark.”
“I spent a lot of years focused on how…how inescapable it all was.The pain and suffering.The cruelty.Even in nature.Especially in nature.‘Nature, red in tooth and claw.’That’s how Tennyson described it.But do you know what I forgot?”
“That somehow, in a universe that’s entirely random and dictated by chance, enough miracles happened in a row that somebody invented the Big Mac?”
Another laugh escaped Tean.“Something like that.I forgot that just because there’s cruelty in nature, it doesn’t mean there isn’t kindness too.”
Jem seemed to think about that for a moment.“Is that what Camus says?”
“Kind of.I mean, because it’s Camus, there’s not exactly an answer.”
“God fucking forbid,” Jem muttered.
Tean’s smile grew.“But there issomething.Camus says—well, this character says—that what he can do is be on the side of the victims.Help other people.Work against the suffering and death and meaninglessness of the world.”Tean’s throat tightened.“I can’t change the fact that we live in this world that’s built on death and suffering.I can’t change how people think they’re supposed to live.I can’t even change the fact that I’m part of it.But I can do something different in the future.I can help.I can be better.”
Jem’s eyes were wet.He blinked rapidly, and when he spoke, his voice had a catch in it.“You’re pretty hard on yourself.”He swallowed.“I think you’re perfect.”His hands tightened around Tean’s.“But whatever you want to do, I’ll be there with you.”
Tean nodded.“Together.”
38
Ammon called.
