I shake my head against my pillow. "He was right, Serena. That's why it hurt so much."
His words rang so true that a part of me must have known all along. The reality was hidden somewhere in the shadows of my locked box, but I refused to search for it, to meet it head-on and look it in the eyes.
"No, he wasn't." Her voice is firm. "You're one of the most outspoken people I've ever met. That takes bravery."
"No, you have it completely wrong." My throat is thick with emotion. "I'm snarky because it's easier than being real with people. If I were brave, I would have dropped out of the game at the very beginning. I would have told Tristan how much it hurt when he allowed Harper to humiliate me, and how I don't trust him. Real courage means admitting your true feelings, even when they're embarrassing."
When I flip over onto my back, Serena's frowning, looking lost in thought. "We don't owe people our deepest thoughts and feelings, especially when we can't trust them. You're open with me."
I shut my eyes, my despair so heavy it's like a physical weight pulling me into the bed. "Mostly. But even with you, I was wary at first. I've been terrified of rejection ever since my friendship with Harper ended. It’s like…I’ve avoided the possibility of being hurt again.”
Is that why I let Cody in? Somewhere deep down, I knew his feelings were bigger than mine, and that meant the power to hurt was on my side alone.
If that’s the case, what a wretched, selfish friend I was. I miss him dreadfully. If he were here right now, he’d tell me straight up that my revenge plan was cowardly. Though Serena’s faith in me is warm and comforting in its own way, I need the ice-cold truth.
"I'd be terrified too," Serena says. "You lost Harper. You lost your best friend in the world."
I shake my head. "You wouldn't have hidden away in your writing. I haven't lived at all since I've been in college. Until Tristan signed me up for the game, I barely went to parties. I barely left this room except for class."
She purses her lips. "Who says partying is really living?"
"I'm not even talking about partying. I've barely talked to anyone. Barely dated. I got with my boyfriend freshman year because I didn't like him that much, which meant he couldn't hurt me." I sigh. "It's pathetic."
Serena tucks a strand of hair behind my ear, her touch gentle and soothing. "It's not pathetic. Everyone is scared of getting hurt."
"Not like me." I swallow hard. "I'm so scared that I've lived like a hermit."
Her eyes flash. "Tristan is so scared that he used the game to get close to you. If he were brave, he would have admitted he liked you from the very beginning.”
“It doesn’t matter what he’s done. His behavior doesn’t excuse mine.” My throat squeezes tightly, and I inhale a shuddering breath to ease it. “I told him I wasn’t into him this morning. Why did I do that? I regretted that stupid text I sent him. I knew it was cruel and immature. Why did I lie again?”
Her expression grows pained. “You were protecting yourself.”
She’s right. I resort to petty cruelty when I’m deeply afraid, but I can’t do that anymore.
This ends now.
I sit up straight, energy rushing through my body. "I need to start being honest. That means dropping out of the game. Admitting defeat."
Serena is quiet for a moment. "Is that what you really want?"
"No. What I want is to prove to Tristan that I'm not hurt. I want to show up at the final ceremony wearing a spectaculardress and looking cool and aloof. I want to prove to him that he can’t break me, but that's just my fear of rejection. Iamhurt. It's time to start showing the world what I really feel. I’m going to drop out of the game, and if anyone asks why, I’ll tell them Tristan broke my heart.”
I scramble off my bed and stumble over to my desk. “I’m emailing the administration office now. The news that I’ve dropped out will probably be all over campus by this evening.”
Tristan
As I walk through Amy's dorm, the scent of heavy disinfectant floods my senses, making me more nauseous than I already am. She's not going to be here. Somehow, I already know that. It’s as if I have a sixth sense for her proximity.
Her dorm room is open when I approach. Sure enough, her bed is empty. Her roommate is in the center of the room, pulling a sweatshirt over her head.
"Is Amy here?" I ask even though I know it's futile.
Her roommate turns around, her eyes growing wary when she catches sight of me. "No."
I shut my eyes and take a deep breath. "Any idea when she'll be back?"
She shakes her head. "She's staying with a friend. She said she'll be gone a few days."
