Serena snorts, and I can't help but smile. If I'd had a friend like Serena in high school, I might have seen the flaws in my friendship with Harper. I might have been better prepared for its eventual demise.
Everything had centered on her feelings. Her needs. Even when she messed up, I was the one tasked to making her feel better. Like she wants me to do right now. Her eyes are begging me to take away her pain, and I refuse to do it.
As the silence between us stretches, Harper's face falls. "I want you to know…" She swallows. "I've already humiliated myself enough, so I'm just going to say it. I miss you. So many times, I thought about…” She shakes her head. “I wanted to come to you and say let’s just forget the past, but you always seemed so cold. You’d barely even look at me.”
My smile probably looks like a sneer. “I wonder why.”
The softness in her eyes vanishes, and she takes a step in my direction. “Maybe I was the one who really ended our friendship, but you didn’t try very hard to keep me, and that hurt. I’m not as strong as you, Amy. In fact, I’m weak and petty. I can fully admit it. And I know it sounds twisted, but the reason I did what I did—why I lied to you—was because I was jealous. Not jealous of you for having Tristan. I've always known he had a crush on you. I was jealous of Tristan for having you." She gulps back a sob. "You were everything to me, Amy. I wish I hadn’t thrown you away.”
I let out a long sigh. How strange that I've dreamed of her saying these words, yet they fall with a thud in my heart. I thought I still loved her even after everything she’s done, but maybe this ache I’ve carried in my chest for years is actually pity. The pity I’d feel for anyone in pain. Harper was never the same after her dad died.
My God, I think my love for her is finally gone. It drained slowly over the years, like sand drifting through an hourglass. And this latest betrayal shattered the whole thing. The fantasy of starting anew with Harper was as delusional as the desire to bring back the dead.
“I missed you over the years, too,” I say, because it’s the truth.
The way her eyes light up sends a pang to my chest. I might not love her, but I don't want to crush her.
Harper takes a step in my direction. "Is there any chance… I mean, after you've healed from what I did. Could you give me another chance?"
"No," I say immediately, and she grimaces. "Too much damage has been done. I'm sorry."
She nods jerkily and takes a few steps back. "Well, I'll get out of here and go die of embarrassment."
"I wish things could have been different," I say when she makes it to the door. She nods once before walking out the room. Her footsteps patter down the hall before slowly disappearing.
She’s gone from my life forever, and there’s not even the slightest pang in my chest. How strange. Her loss consumed me for years. I was obsessed with my pain. I hoarded it like a treasure, an achingly beautiful reminder that love is dangerous.
Serena marches to the bed and wraps her arms around me. "You were so mature," she says. "You could have yelled at her, and instead you just calmly told her where things stand."
"It was easier than I ever thought it would be," I say as she pulls away. "I thought I would love hearing her beg me to be her friend again, but I felt…hardly anything."
"She doesn't deserve your feelings."
I sigh. "No."
The room is suffused with the soft glow of the evening sun that casts long shadows against the wall. How is it possible to feel peace and turmoil at the same time? It’s a relief to know that Tristan didn’t really sleep with her—that maybe after everything, he still cares.
But I have so many wrongs to make right.
"I should start getting ready," I say. “If I’m going to lay my heart at Tristan’s feet, I need to at least look cute.”
Serena’s smile is almost giddy. “I think you might finally get an ‘I love you’ tonight.”
“No,” I say firmly as I stand up from the bed. “I won’t let him give me that. I’m going to tell him who I really am, and he needs time to think hard about if he really does still want me after everything I’ve done. He needs to fully comprehend what he’s committing to.”
Serena looks like she wants to roll her eyes. “Because you’re so terrible.”
Pain slices through my chest. "I am terrible. He didn’t do anything wrong, and I acted like the biggest self-righteous asshole."
"Who would have thought that Harper would do what she did?"
I raise both hands in the air. “You did. You warned me, and I ignored it. I should have confronted Tristan about it from the very beginning. Everything he said about me that day on the hike was one hundred percent correct. I’m a coward when it comes to my feelings. Who would want to be in a relationship with someone like that?”
She purses her lips to hide her smile. “I think someone named Tristan Wolfe.”
When the Victorian mansion of a frat house comes into view, Tristan is already standing on the wraparound front porch. He rushes down the steps and jogs in my direction.
“Let’s take a walk down to the beach,” he says, his blue eyes burning into me. “We’ll have more privacy.”
