I can’t accept it, as enticing as it sounds. Reducing the size of my student loan debt would mean less years having to grind and hustle to pay it off. It would mean more writing time, or maybe even launching a freelance writing career before I reach middle age.
But I don’t deserve the game’s big prize after what I did to Tristan, and I can’t be the only person at this university who lacks a trust fund. Serena has told me that her parents are well off, but what about the other girls?
Serena plops down on the bed next to me. "Tristan said you can have the admin office confirm it for you if you don't believe him."
I draw in a deep, shuddering breath. I want to throw myself down on this bed and sleep for the next two days until this is all finally over.
"Do you think you can make it to the ceremony?" she asks.
"Yes,” I say, because I owe it to Tristan. “But I’m not going to accept the scholarship.”
Serena scowls. “Why the hell would you turn it down? That was the whole reason you stayed in the game in the first place.”
I huff out a humorless laugh. “No, it wasn’t. Maybe I told myself it was. If I were unemotional and pragmatic, it would have been. But we both know the main reason I participated in this game was all about Tristan and proving myself to him.”
She crosses her arms over her chest. “I know you’re feeling bad about yourself because of that traitor Cody?—”
When I burst into laughter, Serena’s lips quirk. She didn’t take the news about Cody’s betrayal as tranquilly as I did, and her unwavering loyalty is a balm after possibly losing one of my closest friendships.
The thing is, I don’t even consider what Cody did a betrayal. Tristan deserved the truth. At least one of us had the decency to give it to him.
“Sorry,” she says. “That was insensitive. I know you’re sad about Cody.”
I reach out and grab her hand. “Don’t be. It feels good to laugh.”
She purses her lips, her eyes darting to the side. "Are you sure? There’s no reason for you to go to the closing ceremony if you’re determined to turn down the scholarship…”
Her voice is so gentle and coddling that my cheeks heat. I'm not a damn baby.
"No," I say. "It’ll be good for me. The fact that it’s the last thing in the world I want to do means I should push myself to do it. I’m trying to be braver. Besides," I force a smile, "you'll be there. Even if you're standing up with the girls, I'll feel better just being able to see you."
"You think I'm going to let you sit alone?” Serena scoffs, shaking her head. "I'll be sitting in the stands with you."
The words wrap around me like a warm blanket, even though I can't let her do it. "The director will have a fit."
She places her hands on her hips. "Let him. The school is exploiting us, anyway. You know they make way more from their YouTube channel and sponsorships than ten K. And what kind of academic institution holds a reality show competition?"
"I always found the game so cringe. I can't believe I was in it this year."
"In it?" She grins. "You were the star of the season. You'll be a Pacific Crest legend for years to come."
Just as I'm about to reply, there's a knock on Serena's door. It opens a crack, and the squeak of the hinges resonate through the room.
"Is Amy here?"
The trembling voice sends a chill down my spine.
Harper.
Serena walks to the door and peaks outside. She straightens her back and crosses her arms over her chest. “I don't think she wants to see you.”
I smile. She’s my mother hen.
"No, it's okay," I say. Something about the sound of Harper's voice calls to old memories. I had many apologies from her over the years after she lashed out at me over her own hurt feelings. She always sounded the same. I’m too curious about why she's here to protect myself. Besides, I'm done hiding from pain.
Serena gestures for Harper to come inside, but she doesn't look happy about it. "Do you want me to leave for a bit?"
"No," I say firmly. "I'd actually rather you were here."
