It’s probably too late for us. We are both hard work, too damaged to let anything be easy. But even if I can’t win her back, I need to make up for the things I’ve done, the things I’ve said.
Like I told her that first night, I want her. Even in the depths of my anger and self-hatred it’s always been the absolute truth.
More than that, I want her safe. I want her loved and cared for even if I’m no longer the person to do it.
When my breathing is stable and my hands steady, I restart the car and pull into the flow of traffic. I drive to my friend and knock on his door and wait, hating to know what he’d think if he knew the full truth about me.
Zane answers the door with cautious movements and cautious eyes. He opens the door wider to let me in, giving me the acceptance I’ve never been able to give myself.
And I step inside, pressing a palm flat against the turmoil in my chest, sick of hiding away from everything and everyone who tries so hard to stand by me when they must know I’m completely worthless.
One deep breath and I force myself to look past the comforts of my grief and instead embrace the future, whatever it holds.
“What’s happening with Evie?”
CHAPTER THIRTY
EVIE
Ant comeshome while I’m getting ready for work, looking a thousand times better than a month ago; vibrant and present in a way he never was before. He puts a bag of groceries on the bench, telling me outrageous stories about everyone using self-checkout at the supermarket while he unpacks the contents into the fridge and cupboards.
“What?” he finally says as he folds the reusable bag and tucks it in his back pocket. “Keep staring at me like that, I’ll think you’re up to no good.”
“Always.” He grabs me in a headlock, rubbing his knuckles on my head until I stamp on his foot in a bid for freedom. “You dick.”
“That’s no way to speak about the man of the house.”
I cup my elbows, shivering with nerves. “I don’t want to work at the club any longer.” The words come out of my mouth without preplanning, but god knows, I’ve thought about leaving often enough the past fortnight.
Each time I walk from the club to the bus stop, footsteps follow me. Nobody I can get eyes on, but the sensation of being stalked won’t quit.
Robyn thinks I’m making up shit. Jeremy, the chief bouncer, escorts me if I ask nicely, but he has tasks to perform after the show that means I risk missing the last bus each time.
My landlord creeps on me inside and some unknown stranger creeps on me outside and I’m done. Each day I stay in school the contrast between that, and the club grows starker.
Both environments are hostile right now, but I’m not scared of going to school. I shouldn’t be scared to go to work, either.
“Then don’t,” he says like I have no considerations beyond how I feel.
“It’ll take me a while to earn enough, but I can sell—”
“No.” He grabs my hand and squeezes. “Go to school, do your homework. Figure out what the hell you want to be. I’ve got this.”
“But there’s—”
He sticks his hand over my mouth to cut me off, shaking his head. “I’vegotthis. You’ve been taking care of me for years. You put me into a treatment program better than anything I could’ve dreamed of. Go to school. Get your grades. It’s my turn to take care of you.”
“I owe you.”
Ant rubs a hand through his hair, the bright ginger catching the light and setting it on fire. “You don’t owe me.”
“Yes, I do.” The gratitude clogs my throat until it’s an effort to get each word out, but I persevere because I need him to know how much he means to me. “If you hadn’t come to visit me when you did, I don’t think I would’ve made it out.”
And it sounds dramatic out loud, but it also feels completely true.
Ant shakes his head. “It should never have got to that stage, Evie. I’m the eldest. I should’ve been taking care of you, not them. It kills me that my weakness meant you got hurt.” He pinches the bridge of his nose, scrunching his eyes closed, then laughs. “I’m trying to let this shit flow through me like the drug counsellor said, but it isrough.”
“It wasn’t your job.”
