Chat with Rowena until the dark clouds disappear. Until I bear a resemblance to the girl I was when I woke up this morning, as distant as that seems right now.
Seb’s either gone or soon will be. Back to the town I used to call home, even if it never truly felt that way. I’ll bounce back from this little stumble the same way I recover from everything life throws at me.
But in the end, I can’t force myself to face the clutch of students in the common room and Rowena knows me well enough to understand how talking with my parents can sometimes throw me for a loop.
Like a coward, I crawl under the covers and hug myself, arms curling into dinosaur hands tucked under my chin as I wait for the oblivion of sleep.
* * *
When I walkinto English class the next morning, I’m a million times happier. My sleep might have been broken, dreams cloudy with alcohol, but it was still a few hours more than I expected to get. I skipped breakfast and did some yoga and a brief meditation, preparing myself internally for the day ahead.
Lessons are my joy. I’m not nearly as bright as Rowena but I love learning, cramming my head full of weird and exotic facts that I can take out during downtimes to marvel over. A thousand different ways to keep myself amused.
Rowena snags the window seat and I take the one next to her. We only have two classes together, another reason I enjoy this lesson so much.
The rest of the students shuffle inside while I pull out a fresh notebook. The manual kind, not the laptop. I love the crispness of the first sheet, the brand-new stationery smell.
My last book of notes for the class is hardly full, not even halfway from memory, but I wanted a treat and this one only costs a few bucks. Nothing to feel guilty or wasteful over.
Mr Barker walks in and I straighten, earning a brief snort of laughter from Rowena. She doesn’t understand why I’m such a slave to authority. Despite relying on the school’s generosity for her placement, she can be one of the rowdiest pupils if she wants to get a point across or argue with established logic.
Not that her teachers mind as far as I can see. They seem to enjoy her pointed barbs and observations as much as she enjoys delivering them.
I’m crossing my eyes at Rowena when the second bell goes, the door opening and closing a second later, prompting a humph from Mr Barker. I see my friend’s face explode into delight and I turn, wondering if I’m finally about to see her latest object of desire.
Seb stands there. Grinning.
My pulse is a wild animal pacing its cage, the rhythmic beats full of anger and dread and terror.
My eardrums pop with a change in air pressure like I’m on a plane hurtling towards the ground.
This isn’t happening. Thiscan’tbe happening.
He said…
He promised…
I tilt my head forward as the shame of being taken for a fool washes over me.
“Over here,” Rowena burbles happily, pointing out the empty seat directly behind me while panic sharpens its claws, its scrabbling fingers raking nails behind my sternum.
I grip the forward edge of my desk, staring straight ahead as my eyes blur more with each passing second.
I will not cry. I will not. I will not let this monster think I care in the slightest that he’s here.
“This is Sebastian,” Rowena gushes, the name an addition that would have been helpful last Thursday when she first mentioned her new love interest. That she likes him is another weight on my chest. “He’s the rugby god I’ve been telling you about.”
“Sounds fascinating,” Mr Barker deadpans, cutting into her flow. “But unless you can draw a bow to the finer points of the Grapes of Wrath, perhaps leave it until after class.”
She beams at him, beams at me, then swivels slightly to beam at Seb as he takes his seat behind me.
A tap lands on my shoulder. “Nice to meet you, Rowena’s BFF. I didn’t catch your name?”
“Fuck off,” I say sweetly, staring straight ahead. “FU for short.”
He bursts into laughter that quickly tapers when the teacher sends a glare his way. It tapers further when the man says, “I’ll take that as you volunteering to read the passage for the class.”
I know Rowena is staring at me, but I keep my gaze resting straight ahead. There isn’t room to worry about anyone else right now. It’s enough of a struggle to force myself to stay in this seat when all I want to do is run.
