“Thought you were in your forties, not one step away from death.”
I shake my head, bobbing forward to hide the grin on my face. “Does that mean you don’t trust me enough to tell me?”
“Maybe.”
“So you’re happy for me to put your dick in my mouth, but telling me our destination is a step too far.”
His expression is shocked, a stance that tickles my funny bone. “Sorry. Wasn’t I meant to say that aloud?”
“You’re not even meant to think it, grandma.”
I snort out a laugh before the jibe can sting me too much and turn to stare out the passenger window.
“We’re heading up to Motueka,” he suddenly offers. “Ever been?”
“Back when I was a kid. My dad used to rent a house near Kaiteretere for the summer, so we’d drive through there.”
I screw my face up, remembering the long, hot days spent paddling at the beach. Hunting for the prizes of empty, spineless, kina shells and cat’s eye snails from amongst the far more prevalent pipis and mussels.
Then I smile. “He once told me that the piece of kina I found was dragon skin and I believed him. It caused quite the sensation at school the next year.”
Malakai chuckles. “I bet. My brother told me they got their spines from eating hedgehogs.”
“You have a brother?” I’m not sure why the news surprises me. It’s not like I know anything about him, after all.
“I did.” His jaw sets in a hard line, and I sink in my seat a little, unsure what to say. Offering sympathies seems trite since I didn’t know the deceased. To not offer them, uncaring.
Then he moves on before I can find the right path. “My girlfriend’s pregnant. I want to be there at the birth.”
“You’re having ababy?”
I stare straight ahead of me, my face hot. The nerves tucked in behind my ears sting with sadness, with sorrow, enough to make my nose stuffy. The skin around my eyes feels tight.
There’s no reason for me to be so shocked. He’s old enough. He’s clearly capable.
Malakai shoots me a sideways glance, eyebrows knotted. “Well, she’s putting in the hard work, but… yeah.” We’re on a straight patch of road now and he rests one hand on the wheel, the other on the open window frame, shooting me another concerned glance.
I can’t stand to look at him. A sense of futility drags at me. My head nods towards the window until I can rest my forehead against the glass. My eyes close tightly, all the old feelings of worthlessness rising until I just want to sleep.
He’s got a kid on the way. Akid.
Here I thought we were having a nice flirtation and really, he’s just using me to plug a gap. Nothing memorable. Anyone would do.
Not my boyfriend. Not even my fuck buddy, if that’s still the term. Just a man who negotiated for sexual favours because he’s needy and I’m… well, I’m pathetic.
“Let me out.” I tug at the handle, my vision spinning, my stomach churning. The lock’s engaged, but I take precious seconds to work that out. Seconds during which panic squeezes me between its fingers until I ooze out the sides. Molten wretchedness.
“Wait a second. We just need to get—”
“Let me out!” I finally work out I need to lift the manual lock, something I haven’t seen for so long I forgot they existed. I pull it, tugging on the handle until the door opens, the undergrowth blurring underneath we’re still moving so fast.
I don’t care. I don’t care if I fall and it kills me, just so long as it ends this furious bout of self-loathing.
The scars on my body pulse. A reminder of everything I’ve ever done wrong. All the things I’ve tried to put behind me but can’t because they’re hard wired in my very soul.
My belt buckle jams, and I tug at it, letting go of the door to attack it with both hands, the door that momentum promptly slams shut.
Then the vehicle veers to the left and we bump up onto the overgrown curb. The moment we pull to a halt, Malakai leans over to release my seat belt for me while I tug the handle open, jumping down and twisting my ankle, spilling face forward onto the wild grass.
