Not to my face, of course, but still not ideal.
I need an actual nanny but the thought of entrusting Sophia’s care to another stranger, no matter how well vetted, makes it feel like my soul’s leaving my body. Usually, Meri would be the obvious one to bridge such a gap, but she’s got the hump with me.
Losing Tiff and Edgar, the closest people she had to friends inside the suffocating environment we call home, would be bad enough. That I’m making an obvious play for Isabelle at the same time, and she’s livid.
If the abduction happened tomorrow, she’d be my chief suspect. Luckily, this antagonistic mood is a recent development.
I scan my desk for anything that might interest Sophia while she puts her thumb into her mouth, sucking like it’s an Olympic sport.
Thinking of Olympic sports, I pull up the dossier on Isabelle and connect my laptop to the projector. “Would you like to see Isabelle when she was younger?”
A spark of interest drives away the lethargy in my daughter’s gaze. She even retracts her thumb long enough to ask, “My age?”
“Not quite that young. A teenager, though. She’s skating.”
I cue up the first video and reposition Sophia on my lap, so she has a clear view while my arms hook around her waist. “That’s her in the pink,” I say as the camera pans across the line of waiting contestants. “And her partner is in the silver and crimson.”
“She looks like a princess.”
“She does, doesn’t she?”
More than that, she looks impossibly young. The cold gives her cheeks a pink flush as she blows on her fingers to warm them, chatting animatedly with the young woman beside her, presumably her competition.
When the pair take to the ice, I crank up the sound. Something classical put to a modern bass beat that a more cultured man might recognise. Sophia jiggles in time with it, swaying her body back and forth as they dance across the rink.
As it ends, she claps and bumps the side of my leg in excitement. “Can I skate? It looks fun.”
It looks like it would break every bone in her body. “We went once before, do you remember?” Another video takes over from the first as Sophia shakes her head. “You were only three, I think. They had special skates with dual blades for you to balance more easily.”
“I don’t need baby skates.”
“You wouldn’t now. You’re a big girl.”
“Are you going to marry Isabelle?”
The question comes out of nowhere. Emmaline looked after her from the age of two, and Sophia never put this suggestion to her. But I guess she’s more adept at reading people and situations than I give her credit for.
“It’s too early to ask her something like that. We’ve only known her for a few days.”
Sophia slides her thumb back into her mouth, the next question distorted by the addition. “How long do you have to wait?”
If only I knew the answer. I stroke Sophia’s curls back from her forehead. At some point, the towhead blonde hairs darkened. In another few years, she’ll end up with brown hair so dark it’ll practically be black. Just like me, like her mother.
She’s growing up. Soon she’ll be a tween. Then a teenager. Then an adult.
It used to feel like I had all the time in the world to do right by my daughter. Now there’s a clock ticking, counting down the days. She lost her first tooth just a few weeks ago but the rest will soon follow. A lifetime seems so fragile, so fleeting.
Isabelle’s arrival in my life was unexpected, shocking. She appeared without warning and I’m a man not keen on surprises.
But my thoughts are flooded with her, my chest pulls tight when I watch her move, when I hear her whisper my name. Each one of my senses is heightened by her presence, pushing me into discomfort but also showering me with rewards.
In just these few days, I can’t believe how hard I’ve fallen for her. My logic tells me to press pause, let the limerence settle. My emotions, blunted by the harsh realities of my life, shout a different story.
This isn’t a dysphoria inducing infatuation. Even my stunted feelings can’t be fooled that easily. I know who she is and, even if I wanted to hide my true self and seek baseless approval, she wouldn’t let me. What I show her is the truth.
I know these feelings because they walk a similar pathway to those I have for my daughter.
Love.
