“She’s the most important person in my life, and you took her away from me.”
The strain in his voice is so severe, I can’t believe he’s still speaking. “Don’t you think I know that? I’m doing everything I can to fix it.”
“You can’t.” A sob rises in my throat, and I choke it back, nose running from the effort. “You can’t just take it back.”
“I’m here. I’m trying.”
“I was better off without you.”
A deep rumble comes from his throat. Halfway between a growl and a chuckle. “Everyone’s better off without me. You have to want me, anyway.”
And I do.
Even as I tell myself I shouldn’t, that this will never work, that it’ll be best to get out now before he can do any further damage, I want him. Want him to wrap me in his arms and kiss everything better. Because he could. And if he couldn’t, he’d make me believe he had, even if the effect didn’t last.
“This is the worst. Hold on a little longer.” His warm breath blows over me, teasing the hairs near my ears, lifting, and letting them fall. “Let me show you what it’s like when I’m at my best. Give me that chance.”
“You sound like your father. Is this his bribe, part two?” I swipe my hand across my face, stepping away from him. “You can’t clear away the consequences of your actions by buying me off.”
“It’s not…”
“I told you what would happen.I told you.”
“That wasn’t what I meant.” His hands clench into fists and he sits, crushing his knuckles against each other until they pop. “You know I’d never hurt you.”
“I gave you fair warning about my boundaries and you didn’t care.”
“I care!” He’s on his feet again, pacing back and forth, whipping a hand back through his hair as he fumbles and rejects a dozen different words. “That wasn’t your boundary, Lilac. Just because you want it to be, just because youthinkit should be, just because yousaid it wasdoesn’t make it the truth.”
He moves closer, pulling me into him, nuzzling against my neck. “I know you. Iknowyou.”
But I can’t stand having him that near. I raise my hand to push him away, but he’s already moved. “You don’t get to decide what’s too much for me.”
“I should’ve been there when you woke up. I’m sorry. I… I wanted to sort it all out, right then and there, not have it drag on over weeks with us both hurting.”
And my face crumples in disbelief. “That’syour regret? That you weren’t there when I woke up.” I want to say more. Say aloud what he did to me. But my flatmates are silent enough that I suspect they’re listening. Even a whisper wouldn’t escape their curious ears.
And if I say it aloud, I mightn’t be able to walk it back.
That wasn’t your boundary.
Is he right? The numbness that’s taken over me for the past few weeks doesn’t give me an answer. There have been long stretches of my life where I’ve felt numb. Times when I’ve been grateful that was the case. It’s not a great indicator.
“What is my boundary, then? Since you seem so sure you know.”
Zach’s face collapses into a frown, and he reaches for me, cupping a hand to my cheek.
Why am I letting him do that? What’swrongwith me?
I raise my hand to push his away, but grip hold of it instead, a flimsy lifeline in the middle of this uncharted water.
“Em. You wouldn’t have forgiven me if I touched you while I was still with her. Even though I never cared for her, not the way I do you.” His body sways close to mine, then away. A brake applied to its natural longing. “You’re the only one, Lilac. That’s why the rest of the rules don’t matter. You have to take me as I am because you’re mine.” His forehead lowers until it rests against mine. “You’re special.”
I can’t speak. My emotions are tumbling one over another, resulting in a confusing mess that sends out alarming signals with no cypher to tell me what they mean.
This is too much. His words leave me too exposed. I shift away, letting go of his hand so it drops to his side.
He sighs like he’s sprung a leak, gently deflating. “I’ll go, just… I miss you.”
