‘We couldn’t see anything really. So it looks like I’m on poo patrol for the next twenty-four hours,’ said Zach with a chuckle.
‘You seem happy about that.’ There was no getting away from their jolly manner.
‘We popped into the Bear for a swift one,’ said Joe.
‘We got more fizz,’ said Zach, waving about two bottles, which Lottie intercepted.
She narrowed her eyes. ‘You’re both drunk.’
Zach waved his hands rapidly, palms down, as if he was worshipping her. ‘Shhh. Keep your voice down. And no, not drunk. Just the right level of merry for Christmas.’ With that, he and Joe started to laugh, proving beyond doubt that they were definitely drunk.
‘I only had one,’ said Joe, undoing Dave’s skipping rope. The dog made a dash for the stairs and Lottie grabbed him.
‘Oh, no you don’t. The Duchess is up there snoozing.’ She held on to the dog and turned towards Zach. ‘Good luck sorting poo in your state.’
‘Not my fault,’ said Zach. ‘The new landlady was too welcoming.’
‘She’s got a young English Mastiff. Gorgeous dog,’ added Joe.
‘Tiny is an unconventional pub dog, but he has become a bit of a local favourite,’ agreed Lottie.
‘This fella could be a guard dog.’ Joe fussed Dave and the dog wagged his tail furiously. With his mouth lolling open he looked like he was laughing, too.
‘Oh, yeah. He’s terrifying.’ Today she felt far more awkward around Joe than yesterday. Perhaps the shock had worn off, taking some of the anger with it. Now she was facing the day-to-day reality of him being back. She needed to tackle that situation head on. And as Nana would say, there was no time like the present.
‘Can you take Dave in there?’ she asked Zach. Before he could answer, she’d thrust Dave into his arms, guided him into the drawing room and shut the door.
She turned to Joe. ‘We need to talk,’ she said, grabbing her coat and opening the front door.
Joe looked resigned as he turned up his collar and wentoutside. They started walking in silence while Lottie ordered her thoughts. The sky was bright but there was still a bite to the wind that cut along the ridge the house stood on.
‘Here’s the thing,’ she said, shoving her hands deep into her pockets. ‘I understand why you left when you did, but I had no idea you weren’t coming back.’
‘I’m back,’ he said, in a jolly voice.
‘Joe, I want to have a proper discussion about this. Clear the air. If you’re not capable of that …’
‘Sorry. You’re right.’ There was a long pause. ‘I guess even I didn’t know I wasn’t coming back. Not when I first left. I just needed to get away. There was a tentative offer of a university place in the States and I wanted to get as far away from Henbourne as I could.’ He twisted to look at her. She was watching him closely.
‘I know. You said that in your note.’ She’d read and re-read the note she’d found on the doormat so many times she could recall it even now. How he didn’t want to hurt her, but felt he would go mad if he stayed and that she was most definitely better off without him. The feelings of that day, so deeply buried, began to resurface and churn in her gut. Her mouth went dry. ‘Joe, you had people who cared about you here and you shut them off. You shut me off.’
‘Had?’ repeated Joe, not looking at Lottie. ‘Ihadpeople who cared. But not any more. Eh?’
His challenge sparked anger inside her. ‘Yes,had. You’ve been gone for nine years!’ Her voice was rising. ‘Did you expect me to put my life on hold for you? Did you think I had nothing better to do than sit here twiddling my thumbs waiting for you to come back? You didn’t call. You didn’t write. I had no idea where the hell you were.And you clearly didn’t care about me!’ She was shouting through the tears and she roughly wiped them away with her sleeve.
She took in a few gasps of icy air and lengthened her stride. She’d been a mess when he’d left. That was meant to have beentheirsummer. Their last few weeks together before they went to separate universities. They had festival tickets and a week booked in a caravan in St Ives, as well as a ludicrous amount of parties and barbecues lined up. They’d pledged to keep their relationship going, to be committed to the long-distance thing. But that had been when they thought the distance between them would be from York to Bath, not England to America.
Joe caught her up and placed a hand on her arm. She halted, and he faltered, looking up at the dull sky. Eventually he spoke. ‘I guess when my …’ There was another long pause and Lottie realised that even after all these years he couldn’t speak about what had happened. He took another deep breath. When he spoke, the deep sadness in his voice held her attention. ‘I think I must have had some sort of breakdown. I don’t know for sure. I didn’t see a doctor or anything. I couldn’t face any of it. Couldn’t cope. It was like I had to shut my old life into a box. Lock it up and throw away the key.’
It took the wind out of Lottie’s sails. Until now, whilst she had understood what had driven Joe to leave, she hadn’t appreciated the full impact on his mental health. She let what he’d said sink in.
Her anger subsided. ‘I wish you’d stayed. You didn’t have to face it alone.’
‘I did,’ said Joe emphatically. ‘I couldn’t drag anyone else down. Least of all you.’
‘You left me …’ she started. His eyes were locked onhers, but he stayed silent. She wanted to tell him what she’d had to deal with alone – what she’d been through – but she couldn’t, and perhaps she never would. She understood what he meant about shutting things in a box and throwing away the key – she’d done exactly the same thing. But that was something she couldn’t share with him, with anybody.
The wind picked up and Lottie shuddered. Her coat wasn’t a match for the December weather. They had been on a bit of a route march. When he didn’t respond, she put her head down and headed back towards the manor.
