‘Ah,’ said Joe with a smile.
He listened while she read it. His eyes widened when she reached the line about him:
There is also something I want you to do for me – talk to Joe Broomfield. Life isn’t easy and we make the decisions we do with the best of our knowledge and with the best of intentions, but keeping secrets is like a cancer and if you don’t sort it out it will eat away at you.
When she’d finished reading, she closed the card. Joe’s eyebrows were pulled tight.
‘What did Rose want you to talk to me about?’ he asked.
‘Joe, just after you left, I found out I was pregnant withyour baby.’ Her voice cracked and she cleared her throat. ‘I didn’t know where you were and despite my best efforts I couldn’t track you down. Then at four months gone I had a miscarriage.’
Joe let out a tiny gasp and stepped forward to hold her but she held up her palm to stop him. Any show of affection now would reduce her to a blubbering mess, and she needed to finish the story. To get out the secret she’d been keeping for nine long years. ‘I stopped looking for you after that. There didn’t seem any point. You might have come back for the baby, but it was clear you were never coming back for me.’ She lifted her chin and stood strong against the tide of emotion battering her defences. ‘I stayed with a friend in Wales for a few weeks to get my head straight and while I was there your dad died. That’s why I wasn’t at his funeral. I wasn’t avoiding you. Nana didn’t tell me about your father until I came home. She figured I was dealing with enough.’
‘Lottie … I had no idea.’
‘I know that.’ She dredged up a brief half-smile from somewhere. ‘Because I kept it a secret. And I am sorry for that. But it’s haunted me ever since.’
‘Did I cause the miscarriage?’
Lottie shook her head automatically. Then she remembered what he’d said about no more secrets. ‘I don’t know what caused it, Joe. Nobody does. Maybe it was stress; or maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.’ She returned the Christmas card to her back pocket. She’d done what Nana had advised, and a great weight had been lifted. As usual Nana was right.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ said Joe.
‘It’s okay. You’d better go and check Megan caught that flight.’
He drew in a breath. ‘Right.’ He opened the door to leave and Lottie walked away.
Lottie did feel better for having told Joe, but she wasn’t sure anything had actually changed. He knew now why his leaving had had such an impact, but that was nine years ago, and they were different people now. At least she no longer had the weight of it on her shoulders. She straightened her back and headed for the safety of the kitchen. She was going to make everyone ham sandwiches to take home with them, whether they wanted them or not.
The remnants of tea were waiting for her on the kitchen table. The empty trifle dish, a few slices of ham on a platter and a multitude of dirty bowls and plates. They’d not bothered to tidy up. Lottie sighed. Maybe she had been doing all this for selfish reasons. Perhaps it wasn’t about bringing the family together; perhaps it was about Lottie needing to belong and to feel needed.
But right now, the kitchen needed tidying up.
Lottie snatched the roll of clingfilm out of the cupboard and in her haste caught her finger on the serrated edge of the box.
‘Bugger.’ She sucked her throbbing finger. It was the last straw. She sank to the floor, hugged her knees and let the tears flow. She’d been holding them back for far too long.
The back door flew open. Joe walked in and without a word he lifted her into his arms and held her tight while she sobbed. Minutes passed before he put her down on a chair and handed her a tissue. She blew her nose. He pulled a chair up next to her and sat down.
‘You’re bleeding,’ he said, noticing her finger.
‘I cut it on the clingfilm,’ she said miserably.
‘Clingfilm? Only you could do that.’
‘I bet I look a sight,’ she said, drying her eyes.
‘You look …’ he smiled. ‘I can’t lie. You look a fright.’
‘Cheers. I don’t know why I’m so upset.’ Lottie blew her nose again. ‘I was thinking about Nana and how crap everything is without her. And I know she was just a grandparent and she was a good age and I should be getting over it. But I’m not. I don’t know why but I’m not.’ Her hands flopped into her lap in defeat.
Joe wore a puzzled expression. ‘Lottie, you’re upset because you lost your mother.’
Lottie snorted a laugh and was confused by Joe’s serious expression. ‘My mother is alive and well and right now is most likely snogging the face off an ex-porn star.’The next time I utter that sentence it’s likely I’ll be lying on a therapist’s couch, she thought.
Joe looked like he was chewing the inside of his mouth. ‘And that is why Angie is not really your mother.’ Lottie opened her mouth to speak, but he stopped her with a shake of his head. ‘I know that biologically she is, but that’s where it ends. Rose took on the role of your mother when you were very young. She’s the one stable person you’ve had in your life. Rose was the one who was always there for you, loved you unconditionally and wanted the best for you. That’s what a mother does.’ She saw tears well in his eyes. ‘I had one of the best, so I know how it feels when you lose them. We’ve both lost our mothers, Lottie.’ He opened his arms for her and she leaned into his hug. So many times she’d wanted nothing more than to be right where she was now.
Lottie let his theory sink in. It did make sense. ‘And I guess I treated her like a mother too.’ Nana was alwaysthe one person she would turn to. The person she shared her hopes, dreams and failings with, knowing she wouldn’t be judged. It was a little like the puzzle pieces were dropping into place. She wondered how that had made Angie feel. ‘There’s always been a rivalry between me and my mother for Nana’s affections.’
