Stop it,I told myself.Maybe they needed to discuss workshop business. It doesn’t mean anything.
It felt like it meant something. But it was hard to control my thoughts with the fog that seemed to settle inside. It was like floating in a sea with no other boats around. Not being able to see land anywhere around you, but you saw the storm brewingin the sky with no place to take refuge. I pulled my cardigan sweater tighter around me.
The rest of the afternoon dragged on. I watched scenes, took mental notes, smiled and nodded when people spoke to me. But I felt hollow. Disconnected. By the time we finally left for the cabin, I was exhausted in a way that had nothing to do with any physical activity.
At home, Lex immediately disappeared into the office. “I have a business call with a vendor. It can’t wait. I’ll be an hour, maybe two.”
Majesty warmed up leftover stew for dinner. “You hungry?”
“A little.”
“Good. I’m starving.” He carried our bowls to the living room instead of the dining table. “My favorite show is airing tonight. You mind if we watch while we eat?”
“No, that’s fine.” Cuddling did sound nice.
We settled on the couch, and he pulled up the show on the TV. It was some kind of crime drama, and he was immediately absorbed in it. I ate my stew mechanically, watching the screen without really seeing it.
I wanted to talk and to ask about what happens after this week. Also, I needed to understand why things suddenly felt so distant. But he was enjoying his show, laughing at the jokes, completely relaxed. It felt wrong to ruin that with my insecurities.
Maybe I’m being dramatic. Maybe I’m making problems where there aren’t any.
I finished my stew and set the bowl aside. The warmth of the food and the exhaustion of the day caught up with me, and my eyes started to drift closed.
“Hey.” Majesty’s voice pulled me back. “You fell asleep. Come on, let’s get you to bed.”
He walked me upstairs, and I realized with a start that he was leading me to my room. My room. Not his. Not Lex’s.
“Get some sleep,” he said, pressing a kiss to my forehead. “You look exhausted.”
“Okay. Are you coming to bed?” The question came out smaller than I intended.
“Lex will probably want to debrief about today once his call is done. But I’ll check on you later, okay?”
“Okay.”
He left, after making sure I was tucked in, closing the door softly behind him.
I looked around. It felt foreign being in here after sleeping with them for the past week. Like I didn’t belong here anymore. Or maybe I never had. I pulled the covers up, trying to make the bad thoughts go away. But they circled in my head like vultures.
Four days left.
They haven’t asked me to stay.
Iris was right. If they wanted me, they would have said something.
I’m not experienced enough. Not good enough.
NO! I halted my thoughts needing to get out of the whirlwind of them. Hugging my pillow tight, I put another one directly behind me and curled into them until I finally fell into a restless sleep, haunted by dreams of being left behind.
Hours later, I woke in darkness to the sound of voices downstairs. Majesty and Lex, talking about work. About the observation week schedule. About a supply order that needed to be placed.
I looked at the clock. Two o’clock. I was alone in bed, had been for hours. I pulled the blanket tighter around myself and tried to go back to sleep. That voice in the back of my head was busy again though.
I’d been convenient for the workshop, but now that it was ending, so was whatever this was. I should have known better than to believe I could have this.
I’d been here before—two weeks before my wedding, being told I wasn’t enough. And here I was again. Still not enough.
I curled into a tighter ball and let the tears come silently, soaking into the pillow.
