“Of course. You know we only buy milk if we absolutely have to.” Not being a fan of milk in just about any form, I produced more than enough for my boy. The years before he came along weretough though, until I found out about the Lactin Brotherhood. That opened my eyes, along with many doors that helped me along the way. Since Tae and I started dating, that had changed, though I still met up with the brotherhood when time allowed.
The first time I told Tae about lactating I was afraid he’d freak out and run. Thankfully, he didn’t, but to say he wasn’t gun shy for a few weeks would be an understatement. He avoided touching my chest for a while and he kept staring at it like he was waiting for an alien to emerge. Then one day he had a major meltdown and without thinking I scooped him up and held him while he cried, only I didn’t have a shirt on, nor my binder. As I stared down at him, his lips parted and his tongue darted out, dabbing at the leakage. I froze, unsure if I should say anything and thankfully managed to refrain. That was one of those situations where Tae had to feel comfortable first before he ventured any further and my pointing it out would only send him retreating into his shell.
When he latched on and started nursing, visibly and mentally my body relaxed along with his. The crying stopped, the pressure in my chest subsided, and eventually, he calmed down enough that he nodded off. After that, nursing became a nightly event for us. I still had to pump, just not as much as I once had. There were always a couple of ready to drink bottles in the fridge for Tae, and anything extra I froze to thaw later for him, though that rarely happened anymore. Between the nightly feedings and his daily bottles, my thirsty boy takes care of both our needs.
If I hadn’t already been in love with him before that night, I knew without a doubt right then that I was.
Tae finished his French toast and eggs in record time. I wiped him down and dressed him in warm clothes for the day, thenbound him up like the kid inA Christmas Storyto endure the cold weather.
“Daddy, there isn’t much snow by the cabin,” he glanced around the space in front of our place and pouted. “Too many trees.”
“Yes, but if you remember, we saw a few open areas on the way in that were covered in snow. Come on, follow Daddy.”
He stopped here and there, gathering pinecones. I wished I’d had the forethought to bring a bag with us, but pinecones have been the last thing on my mind. The ring burning a hole in my pocket was eating me alive. Why was I so dang nervous? Tae and I had been together long enough that I knew there was no way he would say no, yet there was still that shred of doubt dangling in the back of my head like a bold neon light.
Was I worthy of him?
Did our age difference bother him?
Was he worried what his brothers might say?
I knew the answers to all of this, yet I couldn’t erase the negative thoughts. Daddy imposter syndrome was real and coursing through this Daddy’s veins.
“Hurry, Daddy, I found some snow.”
A quick glance at the area had my calculating mind wondering how two snow angels would fit there. I wasn’t a small man by any means, but I’d give it a try for my boy. If anything, he’d giggle at my wonky angel.
Tae dropped back into the snow, giggling like a loon as he slid his arms and legs through the drifts. “Did I do it right, Daddy?”
“You did beautifully, sweetheart.” I wiggled my way into the area he left for me and did my best not to muck this up.
“Daddy! Daddy!” He clapped, his mitten muted hands blocking the sound. “It’s perfect. Come here and see,” he waved me over to where he stood. “Look how perfect they are together, Just like us, Daddy.”
“Pull your mittens off and take a few pictures.” Now I wished I’d had the forethought to set up a camera to capture this moment. As Tae clicked away, I slid the ring from my pocket and dropped down onto bended knee.
“Daddy?” My wide-eyed boy questioned when he saw me.
“Tae Saavedra, you are the love of my life, the wind beneath my wings, and the breath of fresh air that keeps me alive. Will you make me the happiest Daddy on earth and add the title of husband to our relationship?” When he just stared and said nothing, I took it as my queue to clarify and ask the actual question. “Tae, will you marry me?”
He squealed so loud the birds fled their nests. “Yes! Oh, my gawd! All the yeses in the whole wide world!”
As I rose, Tae jumped and I nearly lost the ring when my hands flew up to catch him. He peppered my face in kisses and eventually landed one on my lips.
“Can I put the ring on your finger now, Silly Boy?”
“Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,” he chanted. “I got a little excited.”
“You got a whole lot excited, and that’s more than alright,” I kissed him again, “and that’s one of a million reasons why your Daddy loves you.” He hopped off and I slid the ring into its rightful place. “Let’s get a couple selfies of us out here, okay?”
“And of my pretty ring too, please. Where did you get it, Daddy?”
“It belonged to my father. Momma gave it to me the last time we were at her house.”
“She knew?” I swear, my boy’s face mirrored that of an owl right now.
“Yes, and you know who else does?”
“Whooo?” And he even sounded like one.
