The night was making him sentimental. He took a drink from his glass, shaking himself from the gravity of his thoughts, which threatened to overwhelm him.
This is not real, Matteo. You know that.
He admonished himself. How could he let himself pretend otherwise? He had proposed this arrangement to be of some help for once. He admitted that he found Helena interesting, that she appealed to him. Perhaps it was even the reason why he had the urge to be of service to her. But he had also needed her help in alleviating the pressure of marital expectations. They had agreed to help each other.
Mutual benefits. That was the theme of their whole arrangement.
And we have performed our parts perfectly.
Indeed, so perfectly that it proved difficult to shed the part. Helena was constantly on his mind. More often than not, he forgot that they performed, that every interaction was planned.
You have been very careless, Matteo. You have let yourself want more. And that is dangerous.
Wanting more than you were given was the most pitiful thing in the world. He knew it. He’d learned it over and over again.
But still, hewanted. Wanted the spark of light in blue eyes, the genuine laughter in Helena’s voice, warming the brittle facade he’d built over the years. As an adult, he had never wanted for company. No, he made sure that he would be the one people sought out. He charmed and delighted the people around him, and so it was that Matteo Castor was very seldom alone, and when he was, it was by his own choice.
He sighed. Somehow, his thoughts depressed him. They seemed superficial; his life seemed superficial. Until Helena arrived.
His mind went back to the young boy that he was. If that young boy were here, would he be wanted by any of the people who surrounded him now? Would Helena?
If she saw the needful, insecure boy that he had been—perhaps still was—would she want him?
No one else had, after all.
Chapter Fifteen
“Chastity?”
Helena, who had called her sister’s attention for the third time, stood up and poked her on the shoulder.
“Chastity!”
“Oh!”
“Did you not hear me?” Helena said with mild irritation. “I have called you three times.”
“Indeed, I apologize, Helena,” Chastity replied, facing her older sister. “I think I am still tired from last night’s ball.”
Helena’s irritation faded when she saw her sister yawn; they did get in very late, just a little before dawn, in truth.
“Well, then, perhaps I'd better go alone to Madame Leroux to show her your choice of gloves and bonnets for your last set of gowns.”
Chastity nodded almost at once at her suggestion. She tookLa Belle Assemblée, the fashion magazine for ladies that she favored, from the sitting room table and showed her sister the pages she marked.
“These are beautiful, Chastity,” Helena said as she scanned through her sister’s choices. “Yes, this green bonnet will go perfectly with these gloves.”
“Thank you, Helena. I apologize that I cannot go with you.”
“Do not worry about it, my dear. Now you must get your rest. Tomorrow will be another busy day for us.
They both headed to their chambers, Helena to get ready to step out of the house for her errand, and Chastity to have a lie down.
Sally was to accompany her to the modiste. Precisely twenty minutes after she left Chastity, Helena and her lady’s maid were in their carriage, bound for Madame Leroux’s shop.
“I hope Chastity is not about to become ill. She looked very out of sorts today, and her cheeks were flushed.” Helena turned to Sally. “Has she a touch of fever, Sally?”
“Oh, no, m’lady.” Sally said in a rush. “She was just very tired is all.”
