“I didn’t tell you about her because we only spoke for about ten minutes last night, and the topic never came up.”
“Is that why?” Mads says, giving me the type of look that makes me want to slap the stupid grin right off his face.
“How do you know about Charlie, anyway?”
“Your little lady came by this morning wanting to know if you might need anything from town. Said she’d bring back coffee and treats, and thank fuck for that because this sludge is atrocious,” he accuses like I handpicked the beans myself before he pours the offending brew down the drain. “She also refused to take my money.Told me you’ve saved her more than enough, playing handyman since you got here.”
I hold his probing gaze, refusing to give him a reaction while I weigh my answer. Finally, I settle on, “She’s singlehandedly trying to give a whole ass resort an overhaul, and she has no idea what she’s doing. I happen to know a thing or two about renovations, don’t do so well with a ton of downtime, and she’s on a budget. It’s a win-win situation.”
Maddox gives a low grunt, crossing his arms across his chest before he tilts his head to the side and stares at me like I’m a bug under the microscope. “And I suppose the fact that she’s hot as hell has nothing to do with your generous offer to volunteer your time and expertise?”
“Not even a little bit.”
“So, you wouldn’t mind if I asked her out once she gets back, ’cause I gotta tell you, man. That woman has an ass I wouldn’t mind sinking my teeth into, and she’s already mentioned my testicles.”
“Touch her, and I’ll turn your testicles into tonsils,” I snarl, and Maddox’s eyes flash with triumph.
Fuck. That sly son of a bitch played me like a damn fiddle.
“Fine. I fucked her,” I bark, forcing myself not to take a swing at his stupidly handsome mug. “Is that what you want to hear?That I found myself attracted to her the moment I laid eyes on her? That I tried to fight it, but simply couldn’t stay away? Or that it felt fucking incredible to connect with someone on a physical level after going without for so long, and that the night I slept with my arms around her was the first time in two years that I didn’t dream about my family lying in a pool of blood?”
Maddox visibly winces, but he pushed for this and now he can damn well listen to all the gory details.
“You want me to tell you that I’ve been agonizing over it for the past twenty-four hours because I gave Charlie the last piece of myself that still solely belonged to my wife, and I’ve felt sick about it ever since? Or that I hate myself for being so selfish that I would take something from a woman who’s been through hell, when I know damn well I’m in no position to give her what she deserves? Well, there it is. I said it. I hope you’re fucking happy now.”
Mads just stands there, simply waiting for me to quit vomiting up words before he lifts a hand and gives my shoulder a single squeeze.
“You know it’s okay to move on, right?” he finally asks, sympathy and understanding thick in his voice, and I have to swallow down the emotion trying to claw its way up my throat. “I may not have been as close as you two, but I’d like to think I knew Elena pretty well. She was one of my best friends. And I know without adoubt that she wouldn’t want you to keep punishing yourself for something that was out of your control. She knew what she was getting into when she agreed to marry you. She understood the risks of your job, both before and after you joined the FBI, and she chose to be with you anyway. She loved you as fiercely as you loved her, and she’d want you to be happy. If the roles were reversed, I’d like to think you’d want the same for her.”
“Are you kidding? If she so much as thought about letting some undeserving fucker put his hands on her, I’d come back from the dead just to haunt her.”
Maddox barks out a laugh, shaking his head at my theatrics.
“You always were a possessive little fuck. Never did like sharing your toys. Elena wasn’t like that, though, and we both know it. That girl had a heart of gold, and she wouldn’t have hesitated to give someone the shirt off her back. She’d hate seeing you like this,” he adds, huffing out a regretful breath before he elaborates. “Withdrawn and lonely. Angry at the world and denying yourself even the most basic of pleasures. That’s not living, Cole, and you’re doing them a disservice by floating through life without at least making an effort to enjoy it. Let me guess,” he presses, arching a brow at my pinched expression. “You slept with that gorgeous girl out there, and it made you feel too much, too fast so you panicked. Crawled back into your little hidey-hole, decided to getsome exercise where you pushed yourself harder than ever in an effort to outrun your demons, and when that didn’t work, you promised yourself you wouldn’t let yourself go there again.”
“Maybe,” I reluctantly admit, sounding more like a petulant toddler than the grown ass man I am. My friend shakes his head like a disappointed father before he pushes past me and begins rummaging through his duffel.
“I suggest you pull your head out of the sand and rejoin the land of the living. We both know everything can be over in the blink of an eye, especially in our line of work. If you genuinely like this girl, allow yourself to explore whatever this is. Have some fun for once.”
Producing a beach towel, he slings it over his shoulder and pops a dry toothbrush into his mouth before he gives me a pointed look.
“Feeling a genuine connection with a woman doesn’t mean you’re replacing her,” he mumbles around the brush before he pulls it from his mouth to point it at me. “It doesn’t mean you’re betraying their memory either, nor does it cheapen what you had with Elena. You loved them with every fiber of your being, and you were a damn good husband and father. You’ve grieved and avenged them, and I know you’ll think of them until the day you die. But they’re gone, Cole. And you’re still here. It’s time to let go, buddy.”
I turn away, fighting the burn in my eyes and pressing a hand to my aching chest. I know he’s right. Emily and Elena wouldn’t have wanted this empty half-life for me. I’ve been wearing my guilt like a thick layer of protection, and I was enveloped by it for so long that it feels almost impossible to shed.
It’s not so much that I can’t accept the fact that they’re never coming back. That part sank in a long time ago. I’ve worked through the stages of grief as best I could while I was hunting the monster responsible for my suffering. But I can’t seem to quiet this awful internal voice that keeps telling me it was my fault. That my family would still be here if it weren’t for my incessant need for justice. I didn’t have to go after the worst of the worst in order to do some good in the world. I could’ve stayed with the NYPD and kept the risks to a minimum. Kept the danger of my job out of my private life. But I had to have it all, didn’t I? It was never quite enough, and my need to be the best—to climb the ranks and make the most impact—cost me everything. Somewhere along the way, I’ve convinced myself that I don’t deserve sympathy, let alone kindness or affection. I brought this on myself. I put them on his radar. How the fuck do you come back from something like that? How do you forgive yourself?
“I can see the gears turning in that giant brain of yours,” Maddox says, snapping me out of my dark thoughts. “Stop overanalyzingand simply go with your gut. Our instincts have gotten us out of some pretty dicey situations over the years, and I need you to start trusting them again. Now, Imma go grab a shower to give you a few more minutes to beat yourself up. Make it count, because when I get out, you’re done with this shit. No more guilt. No more punishing yourself. It’s time for you to turn a new leaf.”
Maddox stops at my side on his way to the bathroom and dips his chin to meet my gaze. His nose twitches, and his sympathetic expression morphs into something I can’t get a read on. “I’ll make sure not to use up all the hot water. Red will be back soon, and once she gets a whiff of you, all of this will be a moot point. I hate to tell you this, but you fucking reek, man.”
I’d tell him to go fuck himself, but my nose works just fine, and I know he’s right. So, I do the only sensible thing when your best friend calls you out on your less-than-favorable body odor. I head to my room, strip off my sweaty workout gear and sit on the edge of my mattress while I wait for my turn in my own damn shower.
twenty-one
Charlie
The Patch is buzzing with activity when I stroll through the doors. The divine aroma of freshly brewed coffee and the sweet smell of cocoa and cinnamon permeate the air, instantly making my mouth water. I find my friend sitting in her usual booth, poring over paperwork and taking measured sips from a steaming cup of tea.
