Da lowers himself into the old porch chair with a grunt. “There’s no excuse. None. I’ve not stopped regrettin’ it. Every day since.”
“You’ve got a funny way of showin’ it. It’s been a decade.” I shake my head, disgusted. “You didn’t just hit me. You made me hate myself for things I can’t change.”
His hands quiver as he presses them together. “I grew up with different rules. Different beliefs. Doesn’t make ’em right.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
We sit in brittle silence. The wind picks up but neither of us moves.
“I was so fuckin’ scared.” My words taste like blood. “Of you. Of myself. Of what you’d do if you found out I was bisexual. When you did…” I trail off, swallowing the rest.
“I know I don’t deserve yer forgiveness, Liam.” His voice breaks, brittle and bare. “I devastated our family. Hurt all of you in some way. You the most. The shame eats me alive.”
I don’t respond. I can’t. The pressure I’ve held inside since I was twenty years old is about to detonate.
“I was meant to protect you,” he adds, softer now. “Not become the monster in yer story.”
It’s the first time I’ve ever heard him admit what he is. My chest cracks, not open. Enough to cause a dull ache.
Inside, I hear voices. Padraig’s mostly. I know my twin’s watching me from the window. Probably hasn’t taken his eyes off me since I stood up.
Da leans forward. “You don’t owe me anything. I needed to take accountability for what I did to youse. Whether you believe it or not, I’m sorry. For everything.”
I study his face. The cane beside him. The lines spreading across his forehead. The hollow under his eyes.
He’s a shell. Somehow, even with every scar he’s carved into me, I want to believe my father means what he says.
“I’m not ready to let you back in,” I manage. “I appreciate you makin’ the effort.”
He nods once, quiet. “I’ll keep showin’ up.”
I hold his gaze for a beat. Then turn and step off the porch, the weight of everything unsaid trailing behind me like smoke.
I don’t look back. Padraig can catchup with me later.
It’s daunting to believe he’s sincere.
Maybe someday he’ll convince me.
thirty-two
Avonna
A Year Later
Inevergettiredof lazy Saturday mornings.
Waking up to the weight of Linus’s arm draped over my waist.
His breath warm on my nape.
He always finds me in his sleep. No matter how much we toss and turn, somehow by morning we’re fused together. His leg is hooked around mine, cock nudging my thigh.
His entire body knows I belong to him.
I love the drift from dream to touch. How the light filters through the slanted skylight above our bed. My eyes blink open and I glance over at my beautiful man. Full lips puffing out small breaths.
I never knew I could be so happy.
