I stay quiet. Let her speak.
“To heal from my past, I needed a special kind of counselor. To teach me how to get rid of the shame. The control they had over my mind and body.” She clutches the pillow. “I needed to reclaim sex and I worked with a therapist who specialized in sexual trauma, and a sex surrogate. She provided the counseling. He taught me how to have sex. How to experience pleasure, give it—everything. All of my first sexual experiences were with him and I learned how to feel good in my own body. How to say yes and no without guilt.”
She turns onto her side, facing me now. Eyes shining with tears. She’s vulnerable, but not afraid.
“It was clinical but loving.” Avonna squeezes her eyes shut. “Over the course of nearly a year, I lost all shame and developed skills to express what I want sexually. This might come as a shock to you, but I believe it’s my destiny to be loved by two men. Sex. Commitment. Everything. At the end of my therapy, I determined this was a core desire and arranged to explore it with my surrogate and another man. They took me together. In every way possible. Afterward, I felt whole and knew it’s what I want for the long-term.”
It’s all I can do to keep my mouth from dropping. Is this really happening?
I can’t believe my gut instinct about her was so spot on.
She pauses. “I realize this might be a shock and Linus, it’s not about not enjoying one-on-one. I do. I love it. With you, it’s…” She swallows. “It’severything. I’ve fallen head over heels for you. Truthfully, I’m more confused than ever. I could be happy with you.”
I’m still speechless, so I wait for her to finish.
“I wanted to tell you.” Avonna looks away, almost bashful. “I’ve never felt safe enough to confide this to a lover. I wasn’t sure if you’d be mad or scandalized or…maybe open to exploring this with me.”
Fucking hell.
I touch her cheek and turn her face back toward me. “You have no idea how happy I am you felt safe enough to tell me. I’m glad you did.”
Then it’s my turn to confess what no one in Dublin knows.
“There was a man, back in the States. Liam.”
Her eyes widen out of utter intrigue and complete shock.
“We were in uni together. I managed his band, Fireball. He and I loved each other. I truly thought he was my forever, but I had to leave when my visa expired. He…struggled. With himself. With commitment. With us.”
I exhale.
“He’s bisexual. As am I. Always have been. I’ve tried to shut it off, push it down. Told myself I needed to find the right woman. Or man.” I grasp her hand and bring it to my lips. “Liam and I talked about what it would be like if we could find the right woman, but he didn’t believe she existed. Avonna, for the first time, I can stop pretending.”
Avonna doesn’t say a word. She reaches between us, grips my cock and guides me back into her like I never left.
God, the feel of her. Silken. Molten. Enveloping my shaft like she wants to keep me pulsing inside her forever. There’s nothing cleaner, nothing purer than raw truth between bodies.
“No more secrets,” I murmur into her neck, thrusting deeper. “Never any lies.”
She wraps her legs around my waist, feet clasped around my ass, pulling me deeper. Her words break apart against my mouth. “You’re my everything. We canhaveeverything.”
I see her.
All of her.
An unspoken genuineness behind her eyes. A flicker of hunger beyond this room, this bed and me. I hold her wrists above her head, pinning her.
“Talk to me,” I beg.
“I was beginning to think I’d never find someone who’d understand why I wanted two men. Not only during sex. In the quiet too. In the after.” What comes out is raw truth. “I don’t care if this isn’t considered normal, do you?”
Her confession lands like a bell in my ribs. Part of me drifts, briefly, to my parents’ kitchen table. To conversations I’ve rehearsed, but never spoken aloud.
There are entire versions of myself I haven’t been able to explain, no matter how carefully I could try to choose my words. Someday, maybe. When there’s something solidto discuss. Until then, Avonna and my shared truth would fracture more than it would heal.
First things first.
Liam used to tell me he couldn’t commit to one or the other. Said no woman would ever accept a man who wanted both. No man would share. Believed desire like ours was a storm, not a home.
