“Of going home.”
I take a long breath. “Yeah.”
“Me too,” he admits. “But not for the same reason.”
I tilt my head.
He hesitates. “You’re my brother. I feel like I’ve spent half my life tryin’ to keep you alive. The other half tryin’ to convince myself you don’t need me to.”
My chest squeezes. “Dar—”
“No, let me say it.” He runs a hand through his hair, shaking his head. “Every time I look at you, I remember thinkin’ you might never open your eyes again. Now, every time you shut down or pull away, it feels like you’re still halfway down those stairs.”
I look at him. Really look. The dark crescents under his eyes. The weight he’s lost. How his hands tremble slightly when he talks.
He’s right. I’ve been slipping for years. Ever since Linus left.
“Sometimes I still hear him,” I whisper. “In my head. Callin’ me a disgrace. A shame.”
Padraig’s voice breaks. “You’re not.”
“Most days I know. But it’s in there now permanently, yeah? Part of me will always wonder if loving men and women means I’m broken. Does wantin’ too much make me unworthy?”
“You’re not.” He’s adamant
I smile, small and tired. “You’rebiased.”
“Not enough.”
For a while, the only sound is the road. A faint snore from Arleigh. Mitch humming under his breath.
Padraig clears his throat. “You think you’ll ever tell them the whole truth? About Linus.”
“Maybe.”
“When?”
“When it doesn’t feel like a confession.”
He nods understandingly. “He loved you.”
“I know.”
“You loved him.”
“I still do.”
Padraig looks out the window. “Then why’d you let him go?”
“I couldn’t give him what he deserved. Not out here. Not while I’m still tryin’ to prove I deserve to exist.”
His brow furrows. “You do exist. You’ve done more livin’ in twenty-five years than most men do in sixty.”
I snort. “Yeah, and look where it got me. Broke. Exhausted. Fucked up.”
What I don’t say is I’m sick of taking scraps of what I want. I keep falling into a trap of fucking whoever’s available when I’m horny. The release carries me for a few days until I do it all over again.
It’s not enough. Not after what I had with Linus and now Linus is gone. I selfishly ghosted him to save myself from falling apart. I don’t deserve him. Probably never did.
