I’ve told him the truth. I reallydon’twant our relationship to end like this.
Burying my face against his neck, I let the familiar warmth do what it always does.
Distract. Soothe. Convince.
Linus may read my body language better than anyone ever has but he doesn’t realize how truly damaged I am. Allowing him to believe we’re circling toward a future instead of stalling at the edge of one is wrong.
Cruel.
“This could work.” He wipes my cock with a warm washcloth, hope threaded through his words.
I nod into his shoulder, even as I begin the work of closing a door inside myself, inch by careful inch.
My reality is, I chase intensity when times are rough. I default to sex in order to outrun parts of me I don’t want to face. Fidelity turns into pressure, then panic, then escape.
Linus deserves a man—or a woman—who doesn’t fracture under his love. Someone who doesn’t need turmoil to feel normal.
There’s no way to have this conversation with my cock in his palm, however, so I stroke his body to memorize everyinch. Allow another moment to stretch and deepen and feel real.
For him, it is.
To me, it’s goodbye disguised as devotion.
He exhales against my temple, content. Trusting. “You’re distracted.”
“Nah, baby.” I tighten my arms. “I’m here.”
It’s not a lie. Not exactly.
I give him everything I can in the present tense. I let him believe I’m choosing the possibility of us again.
If I pull away now, he’ll ask questions. Offer solutions. Fight for something I already know I won’t honor.
So I stay warm. Close. Convincing.
Later, when he sleeps, I lie awake beside him and think about how this is gonna go.
I’ll let him go slowly.
Try to make it gentle.
Loving him means knowing when to stop pretending I’m capable of giving him what he deserves. Surviving means choosing restraint over truth, at least for now.
I close my eyes and breathe him in. Commit every part of him to memory.
He thinks we’ll try.
I know I’m already letting go.
twenty
Avonna
Nine Months Later
Ninemonthsago,Dr.Camille Lane hugged me for the first time.
Since then, I’ve allowed her to know every part of me.
