It’s the most intimate experience of my life. He slumps against me, chest heaving, hand still wrapped around both our cocks like he’s reluctant to let go.
I don’t want him to. I reach down and cover his hand with mine so we’re both gripping our softening shafts. Eventually, our hands loosen, leaving a smear of drying come across our bellies. I should be embarrassed by how fast it happened, by how badly I wanted this, but I’m not.
I’ve never felt more wanted. More seen.
Linus shifts, pulling his arm under my neck again, settling in like he belongs there.
“That was…” I start, but there’s no word strong enough.
“Yeah.” His thumb brushes my jawline.
“I’ve had sex.” I keep my eyes averted from his. “A lot of it. Never felt so fuckin’ good.”
He doesn’t tease. Doesn’t smirk. “Same. Aside from the resort, this is my first time doin’ it with a guy, though.”
I’m floored. He chose me. I’m gonna make this so good for him.
I turn toward him, nuzzle into the slope of his shoulder, and let my eyes close. For the first time in ages, I don’t feel the need to guard anything. Not my voice. Not my skin.
I want this to mean something. “Stay. Let’s keep going.”
“I wasn’t plannin’ on leaving.” Linus shifts closer and wraps both arms around me. Kisses the side of my throat.
His leg slides between mine. My chest rises against his. There’s nothing rushed or desperate left in either of us. I’m struck by a strange kind of ease I’ve never felt after sex. My body aches in all the right places. Muscles coiled, lips tender, nerves still humming. Something deeper settles low in my chest.
He doesn’t feeltemporary.
Linus curls around me like he’s supposed to be here. A quiet certainty. A sense of home.
I breathe in and let the thought settle like an anchor.
I fall asleep. Wrapped in Linus.
For the first time in forever, I don’t feel alone.
eleven
Avonna
That Same Night
Thebulletinboardinthe student union promised a hundred dollars.
For three hours of singing, if you could imagine.
I lied when I called. Said I’d played dozens of times and here I am.
To say I’m terrified is an understatement. If I didn’t need the money so bad, there’s no way I’d have the courage to follow through with it.
Desperation wins, I guess.
My stomach’s so upset with nerves and hunger, I feel like I’m gonna throw up. It’s the first time I’ve ever played in front of people and the first time I’ve ever played pop songs. Over the past six days, I’ve holed up in a room at thelibrary and taught myself as many hits as possible. Now all I can do is pray…
No. I can’t think this way.
I’ve left my old life behind.
I take my place on the cracked stool, wrap my arms around my guitar and tune it by ear, humming to check the sound against memory and instinct. It’s probably twice as old as me. Beat up, wood dulled, strings changed who knows when.
