I stare at the chair braced under the knob. This is madness. I walk across the room and pull it away.
She’ll knock. Or she won’t.
Either way, tonight, I’m not hiding.
Sure enough, I hear a soft shuffle. Bare feet on the hallway runner. I know it’sher.
I sit on the edge of the bed, staring at the floor, palms sweating. I wipe them on my jeans. Stand. Sit again. My stomach’s a knot, but I’m done hiding. Pretending like my situation isn’t going to catch up with me.
I cross the room and rest my hand on the doorknob. Breathe.
Open it before she knocks.
Felicity wears an oversized sweatshirt and no makeup, which somehow feels more calculated than the full glam she rarely goes without. She looks soft, undone, like a young, innocent girl.
“Thought I’d have to beg tonight.” She bats her eyes at me. “You’ve kept me out for a while.”
“You still might.” I turn and sit back down on my bed. “Not for what you think.”
She smiles like she’s already halfway to getting her way and slips inside, closing and locking the door behind her. She moves toward me like she’s measuring the space between the bed and the gap between us. I sit on the edge of the mattress, elbows on my knees, waiting.
“So…I’ve been thinking.” She scoots next to me. “You and I didn’t give it a real shot. I think we can be something.”
“No, we can’t.” I shake my head. “This was never going to be anything other than a couple of fucks.”
Her expression is intense. “Are you seriously saying, I was amistake?”
“No. You were a choice I made.” I peer up at her. “We agreed we’d get the sexual tension out of the way so we could move forward in the band.”
“I didn’t mean it,” she pouts, sliding her hand up my thigh. “Not when you fucked me so good. Don’t you remember how hard I made you come?”
I place my hand on top of hers to keep it from moving. “Well, Ididmean it. I liked fucking you and now I’m done.”
She flinches. Good. We’re through pretending.
I stand upand move toward the window to put some distance between us.
“Felicity, let’s focus on the band. You can sing circles around anyone else. I want you there. I want Fireball to blow up. It’s not gonna happen if we’re dragging personal shit into every set.”
She crosses her arms. “So you got what you want and I’m supposed to pretend nothing happened?”
“No. I don’t want to pretend.” I meet her eyes. “I want you to be clear about it not happening anymore. Like I’m being now.”
“You sure Padraig would appreciate your version of clear?” She crosses her arms.
There it is. I don’t react. I’ve been waiting for this moment.
“I know you haven’t told him yet,” I admit. “You will. Eventually. When you think it’ll sting more. I think you’re the kinda girl who’ll take great delight in watching it land.”
She lifts her chin but doesn’t deny it.
“He’ll be pissed,” I continue. “He’ll have every right to be. I fucked up. I should’ve thought about the band and what it would mean if this went south because of my cock.”
She watches me like she’s trying to find where I’ll break.
“Get this straight, you stupid cunt,” I continue. “I’m gonna tell him myself. You won’t stop me from making this right. I won’t fuck you again. I don’t play games and I won’t let you try to convince yourself this was something it never was.”
Felicity rolls her eyes. “You’re outta control.”
