“No, you fill her. Ten times a day. Trust me. I’m in the next bed. Can’t fuckin’ wait to get out of the dorm room.”
His voice sharpens. “Don’t be a dick. She’s one of your best friends. She’s the woman I love. I won’t continue this conversation if you disrespect my relationship.”
“Fer fuck’s sake,” I mutter. “I didn’t mean it as a shot. I’m not pissed. I’m realistic.”
Padraig keeps his eyes on the road for a while. Like if he stares long enough, he won’t have to continue the conversation.
“Look, I noticed,” he says finally. “I figured you needed space.”
I laugh bitterly. “Yeah. Well…”
“You could’ve said something.”
“Say what, Dar?” I look out the window. The sky’s bleeding into a gray space where day turns useless. “I fucking detest being an extra body you keep around.”
“C’mon. You’re actin’ a maggot.”
“No, it’s true. You and Stevie are so close, I’m starting to feel like a shadow in my own fucking space. Every night I’m in the corner trying not to choke on it.”
Padraig doesn’t flinch.
“I want what you have,” I admit. “But, it’s never gonna happen for me. I’ve spent the last couple of years trying to figure it all out. I’ve tried fucking the shame out. Campus, clubs, whoever will have me. It doesn’t answer any questions.”
The words are sharp in my mouth, but I don’t pull back. “I don’t know how to build anything lasting. I don’t trust myself to stay faithful.”
I look at him. He’s quiet. Listening carefully.
“You and Stevie make it look easy. I’m not saying it’s perfect, I know it’s not. It’s close, though. I see the way you look at her like she’s home. I see the way she lets you in…” I pause. “But, she’s not going to tour with us. You hope she’ll change her mind. She won’t. It’s going to hurt. I’m scared you don’t see how much.”
Padraig’s fingers flex on the wheel. “She loves me. She’s not going anywhere.”
“I hope you’re right.”
We sit in silence, which I can’t stand.
“Fuck, I’m not jealous,” I blurt. “I’mlonely. I watch you build something and all I can think about is how I don’t even know how to start.”
“You start by being honest.”
“I’m trying.” I slouch down in the seat. “It’s tough when everything you want feels wrong.”
“You’re not broken.” He palms my shoulder.
“I don’t want to be the one always leaving. I want to stop feeling like a mistake.” I look down at the floor.
Padraig slides his hand up to the back of my neck, warm and steady. “No matter what happens, Dar. I’ve always got you.”
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I believe him.
He sighs. “I promise, you’ve got me.”
“Not all of you.” The words slide out before I can stop them. I look out the window, the fading light unfolding across the hood of the truck. “Don’t you think you’re too serious? I heard you and her whispering about fuckin’ marriage. You’re twenty, for God’s sake.”
“Not for a few years. Jesus.” He rolls his eyes.
I laugh under my breath. “Don’t feckin’ lie to me or yourself.”
He doesn’t argue. He doesn’t have to.
