I’ve gone my whole life pretending I could live without this. I can’t. Not now. Not ever. This man fucks me with his mouth like he means to undo me.
I let him.
The roar tears out of me when I come. My orgasm hits like a fault line splitting open. Shaking, I spill into his mouth. My, heart pounds like thunder, drowning out the sound of my breath.
I don’t know if I’ve fallen or if he’s still holding me up.
He swallows. Licks his lips. Stands.
“See?” he says. “Easy. Gotta go.”
He kisses me on the lips. I taste myself. Then he disappears into the dark. I’m left half-dressed, stunned. Cock still leaking. My heart rattles like a snare drum.
Holy fuck.
I pull my shorts back up and stumble toward the path. Everything’s different. I sit on a bench by the pool, head in my hands, letting the night breeze cool down my sweat.
I’ve cheated on my girlfriend. Not emotionally. Not with love. I was exploring a truth I’ve never dared say out loud.
A truth no one will ever understand.
Certainly not my parents.
God help me, I love the way Niamh feels under me. Her curves. Her scent. The way her mouth goes slack when she comes. I love her. Love fucking her. I’ve never faked it. Never needed to.
She doesn’t have all of me, though. Especially not the part of me I’ve spent years trying to ignore. The part dreaming of a man fucking me. Of me doing the same to him.
For years I tried to convince myself it was a phase. A kink. A thing to push down.
It never went away.
Tonight, I finally gave in. Let it happen. I needed to know if the wanting was real or if it was some idea I’d built up in my head.
Now I know. It wasn’t a fluke. It wasn’t a mistake.
It was right.
I shouldn’t have done it without breaking it off with Niamh, though. I can’t continue to lie to someone who trusts me with her whole heart. I love her. I do.
My family won’t understand. Neither will hers.
It’s best I leave. Take space to figure out who I am when I stop pretending.
Somewhere I can explore my sexuality without guilt bleeding into every touch.
I’m going to America.
Where I can finally stop hiding.
four
Liam
Two Weeks Later
Somethingaboutalongspan of highway is calming for me.
The way distance builds between your actual life and the possibility of something better. Especially when the light is strange, caught between day and night.
