The truth is, as much as it’s gonna kill me, I’ve decided to cool things off with the two of them for the time being. Fireball and Padraig are the most important things in my life and nobody comes before my brother.
I’m taking my time to ease him into this new normal. At my pace.
If what I have with Linus and Avonna is real, they’ll understand.
She’s everything I never knew I needed. Linus has owned my entire heart from the second we met. The three of us together make sense in a way nothing else ever has.
We’re a hushed harmony. A perfect balance I never believed I’d find, let alone deserved.
With them, I’m whole.
But Padraig is my beginning. My blood. The one person in my life who’s never let me down.
Linus knows me better than anyone. He can tell when I’m pulling away.
Fireball comes first.
Even if I’m risking everything else.
forty-four
Avonna
Seven Months Later
Theisolationboothswallowsme whole.
Glass all around.
My reflection flickers in the studio lights.
I hold the headphones against my ears. The track plays through the microphone, a new arrangement we’ve been fine-tuning for weeks. It lives in my bones, from the chord progression to the inhale before the beat drops.
I’m supposed to be focused. This is everything we worked for. Months of rehearsals, late-night sets, half-dozen secret shows Linus booked to keep us sharp so we know these songs backward and forward.
He pulled every string to get us into this particular studio for two weeks. Tyson Rainier is available for exactly eightdays to elicit an entire album from us. If the reaction of the crowds to our new songs is any indication, all of us know this record will change everything.
Unfortunately, some days, like now, I don’t know if I belong.
Liam and Padraig are huddled in the control room with Ty. Padraig’s arms are crossed, head tilted. Liam leans forward, watching me through the glass. His mouth is set in a straight line.
He hasn’t smiled at me all day. Held my hand. Kissed me.
I miss him.
When I hear my queue, I squeeze my eyes shut and my own voice joins in. Raw. Stripped. I hold the first note too long and my voice breaks. On the second take, I breathe wrong and can’t sustain the note. My chest constricts from the pressure.
Not from this recording studio. From the weight of pretending to Padraig, Ty, and the rest of the world Liam and I are merely bandmates.
Other than Linus, no one knows the three of us are building a life behind the scenes. Spending every night entwined in each other’s bodies. Holding hands, making dinner together and watching reality TV.
Secrecy was only supposed to be for a little while. Liam tried to pull back. We wouldn’t let him, so we acquiesced. Figuring his hesitancy was a temporary blip until Liam felt more ready to tell Padraig the truth.
Weeks have blurred into months. Behind closed doors, we fuck each other in secret. Treat our beautiful love like it’s forbidden. Meant to be hidden.
I remember the hours I spent in trauma therapy promising myself I’d never shrink to fit someone else’s fear. I vowed I’d never let the weight of another person’s judgment make me feel like who I love is something to be ashamed of.
Yet, here I am. Falling into oldpatterns.
