I blink. “Liam…”
“My ma made excuses. Padraig covered the destruction, which made me feel like a loser. Connor packed us off to college like a problem to be solved. Said it was to keep us safe, but it felt like banishment. We’ve lost years with my brothers, I don’t really know them. Oh, and sometimes I wonder if I keep this fuckin’ band alive because I love it or I’m afraid to admit defeat. Padraig gave up everything to stay with me and I don’t fuckin’ deserve it.”
The weight of his voice lands in my chest like a stone.
“I’ve never unloaded so much on a friend.” He winces and buries his face in his free hand.
I’m touched. Stunned. “Why me?”
“I don’t know.” He swallows. “You don’t ask me for anything. You listen. There’s somethin’ about you I click with, you don’t make me feel like a burden.”
I rub my thumb along his. “You’re not.”
He stays quiet, but something in his posture loosens.
“I know about you and Linus.” I try to keep my voice even. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
He looks down at our hands.
“I’m not here to fix you, Liam. I’m not here to figure you out or ask you to be anything other than honest.” I wait, let it land. “I’ve spent years learning how to feel safe in my body. I know how heavy it is when you don’t.”
He exhales. The silence between us isn’t tense. It’s full.
I continue to run my thumb over his knuckles. “You’re allowed to feel. Nothing about you scares me. Do you know what you want?”
He pauses. “Aye. I do.”
“Then you should write it.”
He looks at me like I’m dangerous. “With you?”
“Sure. If you think it will help.”
He nods once. “Yeah. Let’s do it.”
A beat passes.Then two.
“You’re so different from anyone I’ve ever met,” he says finally.
“So are you.”
He glances down at his phone. “Shit. I’m runnin’ late. Come see our set?”
“Of course.”
He doesn’t move right away. Our fingers remain laced. We stare into each other’s eyes. Filled with everything we haven’t said yet, but will.
He squeezes my hand once, then lets go.
It’s not a promise.
Or a goodbye.
It’s our beginning.
thirty-six
Linus
