"I don't want kids."
"Then what do you want?"
"You," I said.
"Then why everyone else?"he asked.He threw his hands up."Why not just me?Am I not enough?"
"I can't have this conversation tonight," I said.
"Why not?"he asked.
"I had a long day at work," I said.
It was a lie.I knew it.He knew it.He knew I knew he knew.But neither of us said anything else for a while.
"You want my waffle cone?"he asked after a moment.His voice was somber, a little disappointed, extra careful about what he was saying."I can't eat the cone part."
"Fork it over," I said quietly.
He passed it over, and I stared at it.Stared at the way the vanilla dripped down the sides, penetrating the crevices.I flaked off little pieces, put them in my mouth.Thought about how much of myself I could give.
"I'll take you home here in a bit," he said, his voice quiet.
I was quiet for a little longer.
"Okay," I said eventually.
We didn't talk for the rest of the night.Just waved goodbye at one another at the door to my apartment.I shut the door, latching it, leaning against it, and sighed, sliding down and coming to a rest on my heels.
My phone buzzed again.
From: Vic
Message: Hey, Stacey.We need to talk.About us.
I slammed my head back on the door and sighed.
"Why?"I asked."Why now?"
I sent a text to Brother Al.Or at least.I started to.He was the oldest of the bunch; acted as a Priest, of sorts, even though he and I had a moment of passion during a time I wasn't quite thinking the right way.
Al, I wrote.I know we have our history.But I need advice.About my love life.
I deleted it.Decided I didn't owe him an explanation.
Al, I wrote.Hey buddy.Long time no see.I know you're busy?—
I deleted it again and then started typing.
Al.I can't do this anymore like this.I don't know what to do.
I stared at the text for what felt like twenty minutes, thumb hovering over the 'Send' arrow, and then sighed and put my phone on the ground.I got to my feet, stopped in the kitchen for some anxiety cheese, and then staggered over to the couch and sat.I binged comedy specials until the siren song of sleep took me away.
Again, the flares were flickering in my dreams, and the moon turned, leering at me with its holy wrath…
2.
I fuckedthings up with everyone.I knew that.I also knew that of everyone, I had to start with the one person I hadn't tried to reconnect with.I called in the next day, phantoms of my dreams hanging in my brain, and took a cab across town.
