‘Oh shut your goddamn mouth, Evan.’ I snapped. Taken aback by my outburst, he gaped at me. ‘You never expected me to talk back, did you? Well, I’ll make it count. Evan, you are perhaps the shittiest human being I’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting.’
‘Hold on a second-‘ my father stood up, hand outstretched.
‘And you,’ I turned my attention to Dad. Years of pain welling to the surface. ‘You saw every vile thing they said and did to me over the years, you both did.’ I shot a look at Mum who was standing with tears running down her face. The sight of those tears would usually have been enough to have me apologising and fitting back inside my box, but now, the only emotions I felt were resentment, mingled with disappointment. Half, at the people in front of me who claimed to love me, but also at myself, for allowing them to do this to me again and again.
‘You did nothing.’ I shook my head, my lips thinned. Dad stared at me with wide eyes. Mouth opening only to close a few seconds later.
‘I amso….ashamedof you.’ I cast a look over every single one of them.
Mum let out a strangled sob, lowering herself to the arm of the chair.
Charlotte sat up straight, a familiar rage seething behind her eyes.
‘You don’t get-‘
’I think you’ve done enough.’ Jeremy’s cold voice cut Charlotte off.
I couldn’t keep the shock off my face when Jeremy stared down at his wife, shaking his head in disgust. ‘Youallhave done enough to her.’ He stood up leaving Charlotte staring at him, completely bewildered.
He crossed the room to me, eyes sombre. ‘I am sorry for my part in all of this. I saw what they were like, I saw how they treated you and I didn’t do anything to stop it. My excuse is pitiful, but I suppose since I didn’t know you that well, I gave myself an out.’ He cast his eyes to the floor, subtly shaking his head. ‘Please… forgive me.’
I had managed the entire afternoon without letting a single tear slip free, but the sincerity in Jeremy’s tone broke the wall down. My family sat stunned. Charlotte was silently seething, glaring daggers at her husband; Evan sank back into the sofa cushions an arrogant indignance on his face. Mum was silently sobbing on the arm of the chair next to Dad, who still hadn’t recovered from my outburst, it seemed.
Shaking herself out of her stupor, Charlotte found her voice. Standing up, she pointed an accusing finger at me.
‘Youhave never tried to be a part of this family. You’re always more focused on whatever it is you and Rosie waste your time on, and then you come in here acting like you’re better than all of us simply because you’ve decided to live like a hippie and not get a real job. Don’t blame us, just because you’ve spent your entire life being a failure.’ She spat the last word, I could almost feel the venomous words as they tried to take root. Trying toburrow under my skin like poison. I waited for the sting, waited for the gut punch… but it didn’t come. I searched for the wound in my body, looking for the trail of blood that usually signified the leaching of my confidence… but I felt wholly intact.
An almost manic laugh bubbled up my throat. I swiped a finger under my eye, catching several tears as they fell. Ignoring my sister, I turned to Jeremy.
‘You weren’t a part of it.’ I told him.
He nodded, ‘But I also didn’t stop it. And I should have.’
Trying to talk around the grapefruit lodged in my throat, I gave him a weak smile. ‘Thank you.’
Someone standing up for you—after years of feeling desperately alone—is like someone finally grabbing hold of your hand in the middle of the ocean. It doesn’t stop the waves from tumbling over you, but it offers you what for so long you’d been craving… hope. Hope that you won’t be stuck forever; hope that someone sees you for who you really are, not the twisted versions that other people create in their minds; hope that at some point, you might reach solid ground, and be okay.
My sister opened her mouth, ready to throw another round of abuse my way.
‘Charlotte-‘ Jeremy warned, about to take a step towards his wife.
I placed a hand on his shoulder. ‘No, don’t worry about it.’
He looked back at me, frowning.
Turning my attention from him to the room at large, where four sets of eyes were trained on me, I spoke with a steady voice I never believed myself capable of. ‘I have a life I love with friends who are more like my family than you have ever been.’ My gaze landed directly on Charlotte who had folded her arms over her chest, arching her brow at me in challenge.
‘You want to belittle me, talk down to me, try to ruin mylife… that’s fine. If you want to waste your energy on that, then I can’t stop you.’ My shoulders lifted in a casual shrug. ‘Because the thing is… I don’t care,’ I breathed the words out in a sigh. The simple statement knocked the wind out of my sister’s ire, she took a step back, hands lowering to her side.
‘I don’t care what you think about me or my life choices. Because you’ve never bothered to care aboutme.’ I let my eyes dart around the room. All the frustration that had fuelled me moments ago, drained away. I couldn’t make them care about me. I couldn’tmakethem love me unconditionally. The only thing I could control was my reaction to them. And this moment had been years in the making.
I gathered up my inner child, the one who was still crying on the kitchen floor as her brother taunted her. I cradled her to my chest and did what I knew she needed me to do. WhatIneeded to do… for no one else, but myself.
‘I’m gonna go. And whilst I know that none of you will probably respect me enough to honour my request, I’m still going to make it; I don’t want to hear from any of you right now. When I’m ready, I’ll call. Until then…’ I took a deep breath. ‘Leave me alone.’
52
OLIVER
