“Goodnight, my future child’s mother.” He kissed my forehead, filling my heart with such joy at his words.
“Goodnight, my future child’s father.”
We fell asleep with smiles on our faces. Too bad tomorrow didn’t bring the same happiness.
"I'm sorry, Lisa."
I thought I had gotten bad news before. News that tore my world apart, but this…this was just as bad as the day John died. My gynecologist sat behind her desk, looking at me with those pitying eyes, pushing a box of tissues my way. I didn't want to cry, but my eyes did so without permission.
"You have both fallopian tubes blocked and scarring in your uterine lining. It will be extremely hard for you to get pregnant. If you do, your chances of another ectopic pregnancy are very high," she further explained as I stayed quietly listening. “You had one two years ago, correct?”
I nod, remembering the day my heart shattered into a million pieces. Shortly after John died, I found out I was pregnant with our child. All alone and in horrible pain, I went to the doctor, only to discover I wouldn’t be able to bring it into the world. I had an ectopic pregnancy that brought my world crumbling to its knees. It would appear that it did more damage than I thought.
This was not the news I expected to get when I came in today. She called me asking to speak with me about the results of the ultrasound and various other tests we had done. I was kind of glad I didn't bring Davis with me, unsure of how he would handle this news. On the other hand, I had to be the one to tell him I couldn't have his kids. It felt soul crushing, and my soul's already been crushed enough.
“You’ve told me of previous injuries to your abdomen. I believe some of these could have caused the scarring.”
In seconds the memory of Dad’s shiny black dress shoes, kicking me in the stomach flashed back. After this day, Lucas started taking all the hits. But it wasn’t just Dad who had hurt me there, Branden, and now Chris had as well. It was a wonder I wasn’t more broken.
You really hate me, don't you, God?
"There are other ways to have children. You can adopt, try IVF, or hire a surrogate. Here are some brochures and literature on these subjects. Read through them, take your time, and let me know what you decide. There's more than one way to become a mom, Lisa," she assured me, pushing the pamphlets my way on her desk with sympathetic eyes.
I nodded, unable to speak anymore. I grabbed them from her desk, standing to leave. There was no way I was staying a minute longer than I had to. My heart was hurting, wanting to cry in the privacy of my home.
"It'll be okay, Lisa," were her final words to me as I left the room.
Would it be?
I pulled my bag over my shoulder and marched out with my head held high, as if I hadn't just received some of the worst news of my life. My mind raced with thoughts of the baby I could never have. It could have been a boy with John’s bright smile and bright blonde hair. The thought tugged at my chest like a black hole, sucking away any happiness I had been feeling lately.
I wanted a baby to hold, a child of my own wrapped and bundled in my arms. I wanted to feel my stomach grow, to feel their little kicks and know I was growing a life. Hell, I even wanted the dreaded morning sickness. I wanted it all, but just like that, my dream was cut out of my life.
There is more than one way.
I reminded myself, but my words felt hollow. They felt like things you tell someone whose body refused to do the most natural of things. Does this make me less of a woman?
God, what would Davis say?
I had to fight back my tears as my thoughts continued to spiral. Every thought brought more questions, more anxiety, and depression. Life had thrown every fucking curve ball my way, and I thought I was owed some happiness.
Stupid me.
Davis would be the only happiness I get in this life. The only ray of light that I would have. I needed to be okay with that. Davis was an amazing man, and I must have used up all my luck, and all my miracles, to bag him.
Unable to hold it back anymore, I wept the moment I shut my car door. The car was filled with the sound of my sobs, and my hand hitting the steering wheel. I screamed, furious at the world, then cried some more. It wasn't until my phone rang that I collected myself. Clearing my throat, in the hopes of getting rid of the evidence of my sobbing, I answered.
"Hello?" My voice shook, unable to hide my emotion as well as I thought.
"Lisa?" Davis' voice rang in my ear, but I could have sworn it was Jared's name on my screen. "Hello? Lisa?"
I cleared my throat again. “Hey, what’s going on? Why are you calling from Jared's phone?”
"You need to come before I murder the kid." He sounded so serious as he spoke.
"What the fuck happened?" I asked, still reeling from my emotions.
"I found him kissing Izzy."
