“I mean we shouldn’t see each other anymore.” Shane was opening the door and pushing her out in the cold now.
Valentine felt like her heart was freezing over. “You mean we shouldn’t have any more lessons, right? You don’t mean we should never see each other again ever—do you?”
Shane sighed and ran a hand over his face. He looked haggard suddenly, like a man ridden by demons he could no longer control. “I don’t know, sweetheart,” he said in a voice that was probably meant to be gentle but just came out sounding tired. “I just…the way I feel right now, I don’t know when I can see you again. I mean, we almost…I almost…” He trailed off, shaking his head. “It’s better we have some time apart. Maybe a long time. I don’t know.”
“I’ve known you since I was twelve and you’ve been there for me for years. Shane, you’re part of my life—don’t do this.” Valentine knew she was pleading but she couldn’t seem to help herself. His goodbye sounded so horribly final and it had all happened so fast. Worst of all, she still wasn’t sure what had happened to set the whole ugly chain of events in motion in the first place.
But Shane was shaking his head. “I’m sorry I can’t explain, sweetheart. But it’s just better we don’t see each other. You should go.”
“Can’t we just talk?” she begged—but she was talking to his closed front door. Valentine stood there for a minute, staring in disbelief at the unyielding wood, willing it to open. Willing Shane to be standing there on the other side smiling and telling her it was all a joke, all some kind of submissive test that she’d passed with flying colors.
But that didn’t happen. After ten long minutes, Valentine realized it wasn’t going to happen. Ever.
She trudged to her car, feeling like someone had tied bricks to her feet. What had she done to make him so upset? Why did he hate her now? Was it that he didn’t want to make love to her? Maybe he felt like she’d tricked him into it somehow? But he was the one who’d set up the scene so how could she possibly…
Her mind went on and on in an endless loop of misery as she drove home. But when she let herself into her apartment, she was no closer to solving the mystery than she had been when Shane had first shut the door in her face.
She took a hot shower and crawled into bed, wishing she could have the last two hours to do over again. But even if she did, she had no idea how she’d fix whatever it was that had gone wrong.
As she closed her eyes, hot tears slipped down her cheeks. Shane was gone, out of her life. And it didn’t look like he was ever coming back.
Shane could count the number of times he’d cried on one hand. It was difficult for him to let go emotionally—almost impossible in fact. And yet, as he sat on his couch with his head in his hands, he could feel something hot and wet prickling just behind his eyelids.
God, Valentine. So sorry…I’m so sorry…
He felt like shit, kicking her out like that—but what else could he do? He’d come within a hairsbreadth of fucking her and it had taken every ounce of his self-control to stop because he wanted her so badly. His need for her was raging like a fire, like an inferno threatening to consume him and burn his common sense to ashes. Sending her away was the only way to avoid temptation. Even as she’d been walking—very unwillingly—out the front door he’d had to fight with himself not to pull her back and take her then and there against the wall.
What’s wrong with me? I’ve never felt this way about a sub before. Never lost control like this… But this wasn’t just any sub, he reminded himself. It was Valentine. The sweet little girl who had tagged along with him and Peter wherever they went, the girl he’d comforted after her parents died when her brother wasn’t there to help, the girl he’d cared for and looked after and watched over for years and years.
The girl he loved.
Shane’s head snapped up as he recognized the truth. Earlier he’d been trying to define his feelings for her and coming up with no very clear answer but now that she was gone and he wasn’t half crazed with lust he could see it was true. He loved Valentine. Hell, he’d loved her for years. And now, when he’d finally realized that fact, it was too late to do anything about it.
He stood and paced around the house, ending up by the bedroom door. The dark blue bedspread was still rumpled from where he and Valentine had lain and the black silk scarves still dangled from the headboard. Shane was tempted to go touch the spot on the bed where she’d been, to see if it was still warm but he restrained himself. “God, I’m such an idiot!” In a fit of pure frustration, he punched the doorframe as hard as he could.
He only succeeded in bruising his knuckles but they weren’t nearly as bruised as his heart. Having just realized that he loved Valentine—and had probably been in love with her for years—he also realized something else.
He could never have her.
Not just because she was the little sister of his best friend. Shane was fairly sure if he called Peter and told him he was in love with Valentine and wanted to be with her forever, his friend would understand. No, the reason he couldn’t have Valentine was that she didn’t want him—not the way he wanted her, anyway.
Because Shane didn’t want a one-night stand or even a standard D/s relationship. He needed Valentine for the rest of his life. Forever—which was a long, long time to a free spirit like Valentine who flitted from hobby to hobby like a butterfly in a field of flowers. If only he’d realized what he felt back when she was feeling it too—when she’d had a crush on him so many years ago. Of course, they couldn’t have had a relationship then because she’d been underage. But still—it looked like he had missed the only window of opportunity he was ever going to get with her.
Because Valentine didn’t feel that way for him anymore—she’d made it abundantly clear that her crush on him was in the past and she was over it. Now he was just a good friend and a convenient way to find out about D/s. She’d even threatened to run right to the arms of another man if she had to in order to keep getting her “lessons”. How much could she care about Shane if she thought he was that interchangeable with some other Dom?
Just the thought of her with some other man made him curl his hands into fists. God, he couldn’t stand it! But I’ll have to, he realized with a dull, thudding certainty. She’s gone now and she’s never coming back. Not that I blame her after the way I acted.
But despite his anger at himself, he still didn’t see what else he could have done. Making love to Valentine would have been like letting a beast out of a cage. A very possessive, dominant beast that refused to share with anyone. If he’d gone ahead and taken her tonight, he would have wanted to keep her for always and never let her go.
Valentine doesn’t want to be kept that way. Doesn’t need what I need or want what I want.
Shane shook his head and lay down on the bed. He could still smell the scent of Valentine’s sweet, floral shampoo on his pillow, could almost feel her warmth wrapped around him as she’d begged him to take her, to fuck her…
Forget it. Just try to forget it. Forget her. That’s all you can do now. It was true because there was no going back to the way things had been between them before. No more lunches and dinners and movie nights when they just stayed home and ate popcorn and watched the latest stupid horror flick. All that was over. Shane knew himself well enough to understand that he couldn’t be trusted around Valentine anymore. Now that he knew his true feelings for her, he would be tempted to take her every time she was near. He’d have the irrational caveman urge to drag her off somewhere and make love to her and chain her up so she could never leave. And while as a modern and evolved man he might be able to fight the urge off, it would be pure torture to endure time alone with her.
What about her birthday? We always spend it together and damn it, I already got her a present. Well, he could forget spending time with her and he would just have to mail her the damn present. Right now the idea of an evening alone with Valentine when he knew he couldn’t have her and didn’t dare even touch her sounded about as much fun as an evening in a wine cellar would sound to a recovering alcoholic.
Shane decided he might as well face it—his friendship with Valentine was going to have to be over. There was no way he could be near her without wanting her, without endangering her with his need. He would have to let her go.
