He put in a swimming pool that we use frequently for summer BBQs and you practically have to bribe Liam to get out of it.
My dad and I also built a nice fire pit with space for the whole family. Summer and Fall nights when Silas and Carrie brought the girls come to mind: all the kids roasting marshmallows for s'mores, Wendy cuddled under my arm as we talked and laughed and drank with my parents, Silas, and Carrie.
Those nights are forever carved into my memory.
"Grab a couple of pieces," I tell Liam, pointing toward my dad's covered firewood rack. "Make sure you cover it again, Pop will lose his damn mind."
Liam huffs a laugh at that, but doesn't say anything else. Silently, Liam and I work in tandem to build the fire, the heat warming us up on this cold January night.
Noah's inside, watching Bob Ross and practicing what he learned in art class today.
My parents returned home from the hospital an hour ago, both exhausted, and are upstairs resting. My dad barely slept a wink in worry, and my mom can never get any rest on hospital beds.
I figured if I had any moment to talk to Liam alone this weekend, this was it.
Liam sits down on the bench seating that my dad and I built, while I sit on the other side of the fire, wanting to give my son the space to breathe.
"When I found out your Mama was pregnant with you," I start softly, Liam's eyes meeting mine. I laugh as I tell him, "God, I was terrified."
Liam keeps his eyes on me, his neutral expression not moving.
"We were so young. I had barely any experience holding babies. Your Mama at least had babysitting experience, but I didn't know how to..." I trail off, shaking my head. "I didn't know how to be a Dad..."
Liam's face twitches, he sniffs and wipes his nose, but keeps his eyes on mine. I lean forward and channel all that love, all those happy emotions I did feel when I found out Wendy was pregnant.
"I was scared, but I knew I wanted you. I wanted a baby with your Mama."
His eyes soften, just a bit.
"When you were born, you were so clingy with your Mama," I laugh as I picture baby Liam clinging to Wendy's side, glaring at anyone who came too close.
That’s my boy,I would always think proudly.
"If anyone else even dared to try and hold you, you'd scream your little head off, steaming mad."
Liam's lips quirk, and I continue, still laughing. "I'd pluck you from their arms, and place you back in your Mama's and... silence. Peace. That's just where you wanted to be."
My son genuinely smiles at me, and it makes me a little sad that I can't remember the last time he did so. I haven't givenhim any reason to smile, not in the last year. I haven't been the father my boys deserve.
I feel I made some headway with Noah today, talking about the letter, expressing my mental illness to him in a way that he understands.
But Liam is...
"It makes sense why you're so protective of her now, and I amsoproud of you for that, but I would never—ever—cheat on your Mama," I tell Liam, putting all of the meaning I have in my body into these truthful words. "There's no one else but her. There's no universe where I'd ever do that."
Liam blinks. "Really?"
"Really," I nod. "Aubree is just my employee. Your mama is myentire fucking world."
Whatever stone was left in Liam's expression crumbles into dust at that. He exhales and glances at the fire, staring into it, a couple of expressions flickering across his face.
"I am so sorry for neglecting you, Liam," I tell him, willing my voice not to break. "I am so sorry for not being the father you deserve."
Liam closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, and fuck, in the light of the fire, I see a tear trail down his cheek.
He takes deep breaths, jaw clenching, before he releases it. His shoulders drop, his hands unclench, his jaw relaxes, and he opens his eyes to meet mine.
"Dad," Liam starts, his brow furrowing. "I'm... I'm sorry too."
