“Have you given any thought to what you want to write in your next letter to me?”
Scott’s frown deepened until his forehead threatened to cramp. Was that what had made Joe so stressed out? Was Joe worried that he’d ask for too much, or maybe not enough? Did he think that he’d lie, or just that he wouldn’t like the truth when he read it?
“I…” Scott had no idea what to say.
Joe pulled away, separating their bodies. Scott closed his eyes but he didn’t sense Joe leave the bed. Joe merely rearranged himself before bringing their bodies close together again.
“It’s okay if you haven’t made any decisions yet.”
Scott relaxed slightly, but only slightly. He had the distinct impression that Joe didn’t really mean that. As unlikely as it was that a man as exacting as Joe would lie to try to spare someone’s feelings, Scott couldn’t believe that his words had any other purpose.
Joe probably wrote his note to him in just a few seconds. There would have been no worrying or hesitating. Joe was far more sensible than that. Scott was the only one who was so stupid he couldn’t even string together a few words well enough to explain the most important thoughts that would ever exist inside his head.
“Here’s what’s going to happen,” Joe suddenly announced, lifting himself up to lean on one elbow and look down at Scott.
Scott turned slightly and gazed back up at him in return, holding his breath as he waited to hear what his future would hold.
“Pass my jeans to me.”
Scott obediently leaned over the side of the mattress and pulled Joe’s jeans up onto the bed.
Joe reached over him, dug into one of the back pockets, and pulled out an envelope. “You’re going to put some thought into exactly what it is you want from me, from your life, whatever. Then, you’re going to write it down. Then, you’re going to call me and tell me you’re ready for us to meet up. Any questions?”
Scott stared at the envelope as if it already held the answers to those questions. “How l-long do I have, s-sir?”
“As long as it takes.” Joe even sounded like he meant it. “Here.”
Scott took the proffered envelope, but he had no idea what to do with it at that particular moment. He held it very carefully, although it was impossible to believe that any more creases could fit onto the crumpled surface.
Scott ran his fingers over a deep fold in the paper. Joe was always hard on envelopes. They rarely arrived in particularly good condition, but the contents were always fantastic.
“Any other questions?” Joe prompted.
Scott shook his head.
“If there’s anything you need in the meantime, you’re to call me immediately.”
“Yes, s-sir.” There could be no doubt that Joe was trying to make him feel better now, and Scott knew it was probably his duty to repay that kindness by actually cheering up, but he couldn’t do it.
He still felt as if someone had cut a piece out of him. It was too late, he realised, in that very moment. It was pointless for him to worry about what would happen if he fell too far in love with Joe and ended up getting his heart broken beyond repair.
He’d already done the falling. It felt like his heart was already halfway through the breaking part, too. He was in love with Joe. If their, their whatever it was they could have together, ended now or in a year’s time, it was going to hurt like hell.
His choice wasn’t about how much pain; it was just about when he’d feel it. If he was sensible about it, Scott knew he’d end it now. Joe might be able to tempt him, but he couldn’t insist they become some sort of item. He was bossy, but Scott had always known that Joe would take no for an answer if it came down to that.
If Scott walked away now, the ending would be safe, predictable. Scott liked safe and predictable; always had, always would.
“Scott?” Joe prompted.
“Do you have to leave s-s-straight away, sir?” Scott blurted out.
“No. I have time,” Joe said.
“Maybe you could r-rest for a while before you l-l-leave?” Scott asked, as emotionlessly as possible.
“Yeah, I can do that,” Joe said, as if it were no big deal.
Scott closed his eyes. It was a huge deal. As Joe lay down and wrapped his arms more firmly around Scott, it was the most humongous deal ever.
