“Ryland?”
His mind was spinning with so many thoughts, Ryland didn’t even attempt to sort out those that should be said aloud from those he should keep locked away inside his head.“If that’s the best I can hope for, sir, I’ll take it.”
“What?”
Ryland glanced across the room at Arslan, but his gaze never crept higher than the professor’s shoulders.He couldn’t bring himself to look him in the eye.He’d been so sure it would work, that the pain of being away from Arslan for so long would be worth it because he’d somehow be able to make everything right between them when he came back.
Ryland did his damnedest to swallow down his emotions, but the disappointment he’d heard in Arslan’s voice stuck in his throat and he choked on it.
A few years ago, in another living room on the other side of the city, he’d have done almost anything to be told that everything would be okay, that he’d be tolerated in spite of his proving completely incapable of being the kind of person those around him wished him to be.
But, right then, standing in the middle of the lions’ den, the realisation that tolerance was the best he could hope for made it impossible to believe anything would ever be okay again.
“Ryland?”
“If there’s any sort of offer open, I’ll take it, sir,” Ryland repeated.
If the pretty words in Arslan’s invitation were ever anything more than pretty words, they obviously weren’t anymore.From the way he spoke about humans now, it was hard to believe Arslan could have ever thought any human might actually prove to be worth keeping on his own merit.
Turning away, Ryland stepped closer to the fire and stared down into the blaze.He heard a movement that could have been Arslan rising from the sofa, but he didn’t turn around.Whatever was going to happen between them, it was clear now that it would be nothing like the fantasy he’d spent the last two weeks building inside his head.
“You know, I was going to beg,” he whispered.
“Ryland?”
“When I came here tonight, I was going to beg you to forgive me and give me another chance.”Ryland closed his eyes against the sheer stupidity of it all, at getting his hopes up for no reason.
The air moved, and Ryland knew Arslan was standing directly behind him, but he didn’t say anything.Ryland couldn’t really blame him.There didn’t seem to be much left to say, apart from, perhaps, an apology from Ryland for his behaviour that day as well as on his previous visit to the den.Without knowing about all his stupid little hopes, Arslan had to think he was insane.
“I’m sorry, sir.I…” There wasn’t a single explanation or excuse he could think of, except the one that was actually true.“I thought you meant it.”
“I’ve meant every word I’ve ever said to you, pet.”Arslan’s hand settled on his shoulder.For the first time Ryland could remember, the professor didn’t sound completely in control of the whole world.Frustration and confusion filled every word.It had obviously never even occurred to him that Ryland was capable of aiming for more than another man’s tolerance of his failings.
“You really think that’s what I wanted when I came here tonight?”Ryland asked very softly.“To be told that I’ll never be good enough for you, but that’s okay because you don’t expect any better from me?”
“Don’t put words into my mouth, pet,” Arslan corrected.“I said I expect you to be human—no more no less.That is not an insult.”There was a touch of anger in the words, and Ryland was willing to bet there was far more of it hidden away behind Arslan’s self-control.
Some of his own pain morphed into anger, too, and he wasn’t so good at hiding it.“Is it just me or is that’s what all humans are in the eyes of lions?”he asked.“Helpless little whores?”
Ryland gasped Arslan tightened his grip on his shoulder and spun him around.A moment later, his back was against the wall to one side of the fireplace.Arslan held him there with one hand in the middle of his chest.
He’d never seen the professor truly angry before.A minute earlier, Ryland would have sworn that he’d seen Arslan furious in a dozen different lectures.But he knew, in that moment, he’d been wrong.He’d never seen Arslan even close to losing his temper before.
With so much pain and desperation swirling inside him, Ryland didn’t have any room left for any thought toward self-preservation.“If I’d been a lion, would you have forgiven me so easily, sir?”
“No,” Arslan snapped, and apparently, he was angry enough to tell the truth, as well, because he didn’t try to soften the word in the slightest.
“Because you’d expect better from a lion,” Ryland pushed.
Arslan’s lips began to frame an affirmative, but he stopped himself short with a snarl.“Our traditions exist for a reason.Do not dismiss them as if they were designed as an insult to you.”
Part of Ryland immediately wanted to apologise, but it was a very small part.A much larger part of him wanted to scream that he had no interest in any tradition that meant he had to lose everything he’d thought he’d been working toward over the last two weeks.
Arslan’s apparent acceptance of him had been such a beautiful mirage.Ryland hadn’t even known how much he wanted it until he’d seen it there waiting for him, shining and shimmering just out of his reach.And now… Ryland swallowed rapidly and stayed silent.
“Lions are stronger than humans,” Arslan bit out.“We remember that, because if we forget, we’re not the ones who get hurt.”
“Fine, I get that.But that wasn’t the sort of allowance you were talking about making for me, was it, sir?”Ryland pushed.
