And if that’s the question, then does God even exist? Is there even a higher power?
My thoughts swirl at a million miles a minute as Kane takes us back to the house, and it’s not until we’re parked in front of it and he’s tapping my arm that I realize we’ve stopped.
“You look like you’re a million miles away right now.”
“Yeah,” I answer, still kind of dazed.
“You all right? He didn’t hurt you or anything, did he?” Kane asks, and I kind of want to cry. I got so lucky moving here, finding these people.
I couldn’t have asked for a better life, even if the people who created me believe I’m throwing it all away.
“No,” I rasp. “No,” I repeat again with moreoomph.“I promise I’m good. Just… having a bit of an existential crises, I think.”
“About?” Kane asks, dark brow lifted in the shadows of the car.
“Religion.”
It’s quiet for a beat. “Oh.”
I huff a humorless laugh. “Yeah.”
“Do you wanna talk about it? I’m gonna be honest with you, I really don’t know a lot about religious stuff. I didn’t grow up like that and never really got into it, but you can talk to me, and I’ll listen.”
“I know… thanks. It’s not really anything. More so just… Does God make gay people, or is being gay a sin?”
Kane blinks, then bursts into laughter for a solid minute before it slowly dies down. “Woah, dude. Holy shit. You just went super deep there.”
I smile sheepishly and tug on my fingers. “I know. Sorry. ForgetI?—”
“No. I don’t think being gay is a sin. And I don’t believe in any god. Just my personal opinion. I can see that you do, so I’m sorry, but that’s something I can’t answer for you. But how can loving anyone in any capacity ever be wrong?”
His words are spoken so softly into the air between us that I lose the ability to breathe. My nose prickles with the onslaught of tears, and I choke on them as they burn their way out of my eyes.
“Oh, man. Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” Kane pats my shoulder to try to comfort me, and I’m mortified that the guy I had a crush on when I first moved in is seeing me cry like this, but it’s good, too, because I don’t feel that way anymore. And I haven’t for quite a while.
The only boy that’s been on my mind has been Static…Cedrick.And I don’t want that to change.
Me:
Were you jealous?
I sendthe text the next night before I can think twice about it.
I’ve been thinking about Cedrick’s reaction to Kane all day today, so much so I could barely focus in class, and I just need to know.
It’s nearly nine by the time I get around to it, and I bet Cedrick is working, so I don’t expect a response.
I waste time doing what little homework I can and cleaning up my room, making a show of it, if I’m being honest. I evenskip dinner because I don’t want him to miss a thing. But eventually, midnight rolls around and exhaustion settles heavily in my bones, and I fall against my pillows face first and let the darkness take me.
Buzz buzz.
Buzz buzz.
“Hmm?” I mutter, lifting my head slightly.
Buzz buzz.
Buzz buzz.
