I incline my head toward the sitting room, adjacent to the dining room. “Let’s head in here.”
I feel Mother practically hovering on the other side of thedoor as Pastor Laurence drones on about his expectations and requirements. I stare intently down at the paper clamped tightly between my fingertips to keep me from wringing them, but I only succeed in crumpling it.
Nausea swirls the more he talks, the guilt of what I’ve done. I can take it back—I don’t even have to go. But the truth is, Iwant to.I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to pretend I believe in a god that probably hates me.
I can’t stand more of Dad’s indifference and Mom’s shrill disappointment. Of Pastor Laurence and the church, thinking they know best.
I just…want to be free.
The longer I stare at the black words on the crisp, white paper, the less I see. The less it all seems to matter.
I thought applying to university would be the scariest thing I’d ever do. Just taking that step of defiance, to prove I’m not so helpless, but then, Igot in.I actually got accepted. And the rest… spiraled from there. It’s all sort of a blur now. I’m not really surewhatI was thinking, but it’s too late to go back now—and I don’t really want to, either.
I’m set to move in with my roommates at the end of the week because school starts in a month, and they all said it was okay if I moved in a bit earlier than normal. I wanted time to…acclimate.
The only problem is, Mother and Father don’t know. And when they find out…
“Madison…” Pastor Laurence drawls, “are you feeling all right?”
I didn’t realize before, but my breaths are labored, puffing out between my lips in loud exhales. Sweat clings to my skin, dampening my palms and making me feel clammy. I swallowtightly and lift my head with a weak smile I’m sure is more of a grimace.
“Actually, no. I feel quite ill. Would you mind if we continue this later?” His frown makes me wince. “Or, actually, this is fine.”
“Of course not. Go on up and rest.” He clasps my shoulder tightly, knocking me off balance as I try to stand on my shaky legs. His salt and pepper beard blurs before his lips move, but I don’t hear a single word. And then, he’s gone, and I’m alone in the large room, which feels more vacant, yet much smaller than normal.
“Whatwas that about? What is going on, Madison? Why did Pastor Laurence just leave?” Mother storms into the room, hands on her hips, tendrils of her long hair billowing out behind her. I stare forward, not really seeing anything in front of me—but I can feeleverything.
My hearthurts,hammering painfully against my ribs, the beat throbbing its way into my neck and up to my temples. My stomach lurches, cramping and twisting into a Palomar knot. I clutch my midsection, hoping to ease the pain with pressure.
“Madison Thomas!”
“I-I’m sorry,” I stutter, my fingers joining to wring together. Blood rushes in my ears. “I have to go.” I swallow against the lump lodged in the back of my throat.
“What on Earth are you talking about?”
“I’m leaving,” I rasp, nearly passing out once the words leave my lips… but their exit is a crushing weight lifted off my chest. I suck in a startled breath, nearly laughing at how light I feel already.
For the first time in my life, my mother is quiet. I feel her eyes glued to my face, but my own are locked on the open door in front of me. I’ve had most of my things packed for weeks,not really ready to finish because I didn’t even know if I’d be able to do this. Too scared of myself, but this fear is better than the fear they bring me, than being stuck in this life.
“What?” Mother’s voice obliterates my train of thought. Every muscle locks tight, tensed in preparation.
I’m not sure how I manage to choke out the words, but somehow, I find the will. “I got accepted into university. I found a place to live, so that’s where I’m going. I…” Tears spring to my eyes as I look around the room. The only home I’ve ever known, filled with more memories of fear and shame than anything remotely good. A home filled with a god I no longer believe in—and that almost hurts worst of all.
“I-I don’t want to be h-here anymore, so I’m leaving. Today.” That wasn’t the plan, not even close. I only hope my new roommates let me move in a bit earlier… maybe if I give them a bit more for rent.
A newfound burning anxiety settles just beneath my flesh at the prospect of the unknown I’m about to traipse into. But I welcome the sensation with open arms—because it’s better than this, than the look Mother is pinning me with. So like all the rest, cold and unloving.
I spin on my feet and race through the rooms and up the stairs, nearly slipping on the stone as I whip around the corner, choking on my heartbeat as it throbs in my throat. Mom is screeching my name, heels clicking loudly across the granite. My door clicks closed, and I turn the lock before reaching for my phone and dialing the number for one of my soon-to-be-roommates.
“Sup, man.”
“Kane?” I croak. “It’s, uh, it’s M-Madison.” My fingers clamp around my nape. Sweat clings to my clammy palm as I rub back and forth. “Madison Payne. We, erm.I’m?—”
“Our new roommate, yeah, I know who it is. I have your number saved.” He chuckles lightly, making me flush with embarrassment.
“R-right. Sorry, I?—”
There’s a short, tense pause. “Is everything good?”
