“I—” I stop, unsure of what to say. I can’t tell him I’m having an internal freak out that has nothing to do with himand everything to do with my shitty parents and my shitty past. I take one last look at him. “I’m sorry.” And then, I turn on my heels and disappear out the door.
I stumble my way down the hall, trying to remember the way I came. Every damn hallway looks the same, especially with these lights flashing and disorienting me, but after what feels like forever, I eventually find a door that leads me to the outside.
I suck in a breath of fresh air for the first time in what feels like forever as I stumble toward my car and yank open the door. My hands are shaking as I drop into the seat and start it, shivering as the coolness of the night settles in over my sweat-dampened skin.
I pull my phone out to pull up a map to go home when I hear the creak of a door and when I look up, I see him.
Cedrick.
Static.
He’s standing at the entrance of Mayhem Motel, just staring at me where I sit in my car. Arms at his side, eyes locked on me.
Swallowing thickly, I drop my phone into the seat and pull out of the gravel lot, leaving him behind without a backwards glance.
“I’m so sorry, Cedrick,” I tell him with tears in my eyes as I drive away from him and everything we became tonight. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and I don’t know how to fix it… If I even can.” The distance between us grows as my heart pounds harder and harder. It hurts more than I thought it would, but I didn’t know what else to do.
I can’t be honest about this, but I couldn’t lie to him because he hasn’t lied to me…
Chapter Thirty
What Friends Are For
Madison
The drive home is a blur of trees and painted, glowing lines from my headlights.
I blink through the tears stinging my eyes, but it only causes more to fall, distorting my vision worse than the strobe lights.
What is wrong with me? Why am I thinking like this?
I don’t believe in those things, and I know I don’t, but I can’t get my mother’s voice out of my head, telling me I’mwrongfor who I am. And I hate it.
I hate it all, and it’s poisoning me.
This isn’t how it was supposed to go.
Mayhem was supposed to be a final release.
And it was. It was full of revitalization and understandings.
I realized I love Cedrick… I mean, how could I not? The crazy man has been obsessed with me—me—since we met. He knows me. He’s heard of my past and what I deal with, and it didn’t scare him away…
But I ran.Because I scared myself.
These feelings are too big for me to bear alone, and I can’t… I can’t understand them.
I need help.
I need—no.I cut the thought off as soon as it comes. Pastor Laurence will not help me. He’ll only confuse me more, and I know that.
No. What I need are people who understand. Someone to talk to.
Someone who cares.
And they don’t—and never will.
By the time I’m pulling up to the house, it’s just past eleven at night, and my body sags with exhaustion even worse than the first time I was at Mayhem. I put the car into park and drop my head against the steering wheel as I let the tears fall freely for the first time since I left.
